Black & Gold
by SkyRusher92
Summary: Famous means that you're the best but for how long? James comes out and Kendall leaves the band. BTR goes down hill from there. Slash, Lemons, Language, Angst, Occasional Fluff, Possible Character Death. Kames & Jarlos
1. Big Boy Little Boy

Chapter 1: Big Boy Little Boy

**Big boy, it's hell being unwell**

**You know you're stuck where you fell**

**I know you're mad, you're on a warpath**

**But you don't want to bury more friends**

* * *

><p>Drops of sweat slowly slid down his face dropping onto his collarbone as James shuddered into his satin sheets. 5:45 AM the clock on his bed side table blinked, shedding a pale blue light in the room he shared with Carlos.<p>

Humidity was heavy in the air like rain and permeated the whole room, the scent strong and sharp. There was no way to escape the summer heat, even at night, especially since Bitters refused to repair the ac. So James had awoken in the middle of the night, his sleep shattered and wet dream interrupted.

He bit his lip, trying to hold back a moan that threatened to wake up his younger friend. Carlos lay on top of his blankets, nude besides a pair of tight blue boxer briefs hugging his hips and his head lying in a small puddle of drool.

James would have laughed or checked him out but tonight was about Kendall. Well this night and every other for a month now. He was past childish things like late night erections, or so he thought, but his mind went wild with thoughts of Kendall.

Tugging on his black and gold hair, rubbing against his waist, forcing himself deep inside his best friend, James could control it during the day but it ate him at night. So that's how he found himself now.

Tank top above his head, sweat pants pulled past his thighs, left hand twisting a nipple, and his right stroking up and down his thick cut eight inches while paying special attention to the head. Thrusting upward into his fist, body rising off the bed, James imagined it was Kendall's mouth worshiping his length. He couldn't help but let out a low groan at the thought.

James turned over and positioned his body as if he were doing a one handed pushup, with his right hand still wrapped tightly around himself, and started to grind slowly into his sheets while doing pushups. The grunts and groans came freely now while he made the best of his situation.

If he were going to get off it might as well be while working out. Everything he seemed to do now was to push his self harder, to reach that next level, and just maybe Kendall would raise a thick eyebrow and ask if he'd been "working out" while wearing that perfect crooked smile.

A lot of the things James had done actually ended up being simple ways to get the lanky teen to notice him. Like accidentally knocking him into the pool or forgetting to knock on the bathroom door. Yet, these days Kendall had been way too enamored by his new love interest Jo to notice him. None of the guys could go a day without hearing how sweet, funny, cute and perfect she was.

In actuality she was all of those things and probably more and James fucking hated it. The four best friends had known each other since middle school but Kendall and he went back to grade school. And somehow that blonde bitch had ruined a friendship dynamic older than her and Kendall's "relationship."

James didn't truly have any ill will towards the girl but she was in the way and he needed her gone more than anything. He shook his head and tried to get her out of his mind, less he lose his erection or his focus. With one last pushup he was at 80 and while it was a bit shy of the usual 100, he had never done them while stroking himself.

Getting up slowly, James made his way to the large vanity mirror on the door and watched as he rubbed a hand down his sweaty body. He loved the way his body lustfully thrust forward and how each rope of thick muscle moved on command. Yet he loathed his looks at the same time. Was he too ripped, not nearly toned enough? Was he desirable because of his personality or was he just another piece of meat? Did anyone truly see him for his personality or was he only "the face"

Everything began to crash together now, his want for Kendall, hatred for Jo, and self worth all boiled into one. James turned away from the mirror just as his balls tightened against his groin.

"Fuuuuuck!" He yelled into the silence of the night as he came. Ropes of thick come shot hot and white across the small room, hitting the opposite wall. James legs quivered before giving out and he hit the floor with a loud thud and doubled over in pain. The noise had startled Carlos who jumped out of bed and ran to his friend's side. Worry lined his face as he shook James trying to get him to stand.

"James! James, are you okay? What the hell just happened?" James tried to talk but the pain in his abdomen felt like razors licking up and down his body. Frantic, Carlos looked around the room to try and find what could have gone wrong when the smell hit him, sweat and sex. He stared down at James in confusion and when he saw the come pooling around his bare feet, it made sense.

"Di-did you just pass out trying to jerk," His sentence was cut short when James grabbed his shoulder tightly.

"Carlos, be quiet do you want everyone to hear you? Just get me to my bed and get me some water please?" Carlos nodded and half carried half drug him to his bed and laid him down awkwardly against his lap. The position along with the smell in the room started to affect the younger boy as James felt Carlos' hard on pressed against his back.

"Okay James I did what you wanted now tell me what happened."

"Dude I already told you that I don't want to talk about it can you just drop it already?"

James hadn't meant to scream but he was frustrated and his body still convulsed every while with pain. Besides how would he explain to his guy friend that he had been jacking off about Kendall?

"Listen, you don't have to give me _full _details. I don't need them but just tell me you're gonna be okay alright?"

"Yea, I was just working out that's all and I…over worked myself. It happens all the time; I'll be fine I promise."

Carlos stood up and grabbed the blankets off his bed before returning to James' bed. He pulled up a chair next to his bed and made himself a spot next to him. James raised an eyebrow but Carlos just smiled.

"You aren't passing out again on my watch okay? Don't even think about getting up to exercise anymore tonight. You're gonna kill yourself worrying about how you look and then none of the girls will care about how hot you are."

James rolled his eyes before pulling his sheets over himself.

"Carlos, did you just call me hot?"

"Did you just come all over yourself and nearly pass out?"

"Shut the fuck up!"

This time it was Carlos' time to chuckle to himself as he closed his eyes. James struggled to get to sleep for the first few minutes with how much he should tell his friend but shrugged it off. His mind was put at ease as he felt Carlos' breathing steady and as James smiled at the thought of Carlos watching him through the night, yet he wished it were someone tall blonde and handsome instead.

_..._

The bright LA sunlight sliced its way through the half opened blinds, pouring a Midas like brilliance around the room. Everything was kissed with a golden hue as flecks of dust danced in the bright beams and light fell onto James' face.

He groaned at the intrusion and tried to put his pillow over his face in a vain attempt to regain sleep. Usually he would have been awake and taking in the sunlight, ready to face whatever the day had for him.

But due to last night's events and an acute pain in his side, James didn't want anything but another hour of rest.

Yet he knew that there was too much planned for today to get away with it. Carlos had apparently left sometime earlier as he found the chair empty.

Making his way to the small shared bathroom, James struggled to stand upright as he felt his abdomen clench tight with pain. He made it in time to grip the white porcelain sink and stare into the mirror.

Shit would be an understatement if he described what he saw, stringy strands of hair clung to his forehead, dark circles hung under his eyes, and sweat caked his skin. He opened the medicine cabinet and found his pills, he took a handful before looking away.

Groaning, he took off his clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water cascade down his body in rivulets. The pain slowly started to subside and James breathed a sigh of relief.

Whatever this was, it was starting to recede. After a quick shower, he made his way into the living room were Carlos and Katie sat enjoying an old episode of _SpongeBob _on the flat screen tv.

"Listen," Katie started. "The show doesn't have to make sense. It's just a kid's show for kicks and giggles."

Kendall rolled his eyes before returning to his cereal.

"And all I'm trying to say there is no possible way that two dudes could possibly raise a kid; I mean I don't care how gay the two are. It takes a woman to teach a baby how to do stuff."

At this point Logan had turned away from the kitchen counter and joined in the petty argument.

"Actually, it's been proven multiple times that two males can successfully raise a child. Besides you two are arguing about this when it's clearly not possible for there to be fire or a glass of water under the ocean."

Carlos burst into laughter as Patrick was hit in the head with a coconut and James chuckled. True Carlos was one of the youngest but sometimes he acted too much like a kid for his own good.

Mrs. Knight smiled as she handed him a plate of food that he quickly turned down. Even if his stomach wasn't turning summersaults, he knew better than to eat her cooking.

Kendall's mom was great at so many things, it just happened that cooking wasn't apart of them; most of the time it reduced their daily meals to anything she could microwave.

Mrs. Knight handed the food over to Logan who shot James a dirty look before she raised her voice.

"Kendall that's enough, everyone has their opinions and I won't have any arguing this morning. James, are you okay darling? You don't look to great."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Yea, you usually eat something in the morning. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine; actually I'm more than fine. I'm pretty hot." James flashed a convincing smile when Carlos turned around.

"You were pretty hot last night, I mean in the temperature way, all passed out on the floor and-"

A loud crash interrupted his sentence as everyone turned to James who had shattered a plate against the bar. His breathing was fast and his face was a bright red as he rushed over the couch and tackled the younger boy.

With his fists around Carlos' throat and a fist raised in the air, James whispered so the others wouldn't hear.

"I thought you said you weren't going to tell anyone else? I thought I could fucking trust you!"

"James get off of him right this instant! Do you hear me?"

James didn't hear or see anything Mrs. Knight said but instead raised his fist higher. Before he could land a hit, Kendall threw a jab and hit him square in the jaw but James didn't bulge.

Logan rushed in and struggled to put some distance between the larger guys while Katie watched in shocked silence. Kendall hit the taller boy again but this time he moved and the guys struggled to get Carlos on his feet.

Everyone stared as James stood; he looked nothing like himself, chest heaving and eyes a deep shade of crimson. Carlos was near tears, confusion and anger strewn across his face.

"Dude what the hell was that? I was just going to say that we worked out last night! What the fuck is your problem!"

"Carlos, do not talk like that my Mom and Katie are in the room!"

"Oh, so he can fucking attack me and everyone takes his side?"

"Listen man, it's not like that-"

"Everyone stop! Now I don't know what just happened but James I don't want you in the house if you're going to have another outburst like. Katie, come help me clean up the glass. Kendall, go handle Carlos. Logan I know it's a lot but will you take James outside for a while please?"

The group separated, listening to her orders as James stood in the middle of the room, the rage he had just experienced leaving his face. Logan walked up to him and placed an arm around his shoulder and walked him to the park.

They found a bench and sat for a while in silence before Logan spoke.

"James, I'm not sure what's going on with you but you can't go around treating your friends like this. You're acting like a little kid."

He opened his mouth to speak but instead gagged and vomited into the bushes. Why had he acted that way towards Carlos?

He had always trusted his friends before and none of them had betrayed him before. This anger had been different though; it had rushed over him in waves and taken over his very being.

Logan rubbed his back and pushed a hand through his hair.

"You know we have rehearsal for our summer tour in an hour and unless you talk to me, I doubt Gustavo will let you in after your fit."

James sighed before speaking; trying to collect his words and arrange them in a way Logan would understand just enough to leave him alone.

No one else could know about him nearly passing out and if they did, he would end up having to talk about Kendall.

"I've been…really stressed lately and it gets kinda hard to keep in. It's not a big deal or anything just,"

"James you do realize you could have seriously hurt Carlos back there. What happens next time you get mad? Are you going to try and hit me, or Katie, maybe Kendall? There's more going on than just a little stress."

"Damn it Logan! Can't you just leave me alone? Stop trying to psycho analyze me like I'm one of your stupid college books okay?"

"I don't think you realize that I just want to help and you're being defensive and a complete jerk."

The words stung as they sunk in. Logan wasn't the type to raise his voice or even curse but what he said usually stuck and it left James feeling foolish.

"After rehearsals okay?"

Logan looked as if he wanted to say more but left it alone.

"Alright, but I'm watching you okay?"

The tension in the Rocque Records was thicker than it had been while the guys had fought over the "Oh Song" and the "Yea Song." Logan and James stood to one side while Kendall and Carlos were on the other throughout the rehearsal.

Even Gustavo, who was easy at breaking up many countless fights between them, decided it was best to leave it alone. Kelly had suggested that they all take breaks and perhaps that would calm them down but to no avail.

They had both decided that canceling early would be the best idea.

So James found himself lounging next to the pool to calm down and avoid Logan when he felt a hand on the back of his neck. Camille smiled and sat down next to him, two smoothies in her hand.

"Hey! You looked like you could use some cheering up." She handed him the drink and sipped her own.

"So you've been stalking me, got me a sugar filled drink I don't need, and though it would cheer me up?" He said with a smile.

"Actually, I was running some errands for the executive producer of _New Town High _because I was planning on getting a part. But I saw you looking all pitiful and decided you needed it more than him. Really though, what's got you down?"

James rolled his eyes and at the same time they both spoke. "Boy drama,"

Camille had been the only person he trusted with his sexuality. Soon after their accidental kiss, James explained that he hadn't been interested in her and that he was trying to see if he could have chemistry with a girl.

She had even tried to help him buy getting him with the Annie girl from the beach but none of it seemed to work. Every relationship seemed to fizzle after a day or so and Kendall remained the only thing on his mind.

But even she didn't know about his crush.

"I kind of, well, attacked Carlos today. And before you say anything I was just really upset I didn't mean it."

"You know, maybe if you had someone to take that aggression out on besides your friends, you would be a happier person."

"Camille, a guy isn't the answer to every problem I have. I think this is a bit more than sexual frustration."

"Think about it though, why do you think Kendall is so relaxed all the time? We have got to find you someone."

James just sighed and let her rant. He knew she meant well but her constant obsession with love could be a bit over bearing.

Regardless, he liked her just the way she was and unlike other girls at Palmwoods, he enjoyed her company just as much as his guy friends.

"Okay then, find me someone love guru. I'm not sure if I can trust you seeing as how you lost Logan."

"Hey that was mutual! Besides, this is about you not me. How about Jett? He's pretty, has a great body, and Jo says he may not be as straight as he looks."

"Are you kidding me? If I ever came out to the guys with _him _on my arm they would laugh me out of BTR."

"Okay well, Guitar Dude is high out of his mind half the day and hitting on girls the other half. How about one of the guys?"

James choked and spat out his smoothie, spraying blue all over an unsuspecting pedestrian that walked by.

"Why would I go out with one of them? We're all super close friends; wouldn't that just be weird and awkward? None of them are even bi or anything like that."

"You never know, you're hiding your sexuality from them so they could be too!"

"He isn't even like that Camille so drop it!"

She jumped up in excitement as James' slip of the tongue spilled more than he thought.

"It can't be Carlos because I could see that one happening. You two are just so alike that you would complement each other. It's not Logan. Even though he's charming, smart, and funny he isn't your type. Not straight forward enough. I bet its Kendall isn't it?"

James groaned and grabbed her so no one would hear.

"Will you keep it quiet? I don't want the whole place to hear! Why would you even guess him anyway? Don't tell me it's that obvious!"

Camille's eyes grew wide as she stared into the distance.

"It just makes sense, James a troubled teen torn between his feelings and friendship for a boy that may not even love him! It's a tale of drama and passion! Death and betrayal as one boy goes to the ends of the earth for the one he loves only to-"

He covered her mouth before she could utter another word.

"Don't put us into one of your fantasy movies! People end up getting hurt and not getting what they want is stories like that. Now I have to go talk to Logan so can you please keep this to yourself?"

Camille motioned as if she were zipping her lips.

"We have to talk about this though, okay?"

He nodded but with no real intention of keeping his promise.

The late afternoon found James in the room that Kendall and Logan shared as he waited for his brunette friend to show up. Well at least that's what he told himself but the truth was, the house was empty and he loved laying in Kendall's bed.

Everything about it reminded him of the lanky teen, from the bright green plaid sheets, its messy but neat look, and the way it smelled like him.

That room was quite different from his, where his was covered in dirty clothes, hair products, and food wrappers, the other two kept it relatively clean.

There was a small desk with books, a guitar in the corner with sheet music, and a few chairs for company. James held the blanket to his face and breathed in the scent when he heard a quiet knock on the door.

His face became a bright pink as he looked at Logan. But the other boy just raised an eyebrow and sat down at the desk.

"So are you ready to talk everything now? Or am I interrupting something?"

He pulled the blanket from his face and shook his head.

"You're not, but I don't think I want to talk about this whole Carlos thing anymore. Can we just drop it?"

"James, I don't want to talk about Carlos, this morning, or any of that. I want to talk about you. You've been acting strange for about a month now and I just want to know what's going on."

Logan stood and headed out the door and waved to James.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"For a ride. Or do you want to be here when everyone else comes in?"

He shot off the bed and followed Logan to the red convertible car that was parked outside. Even though all the other guys could drive, everyone felt most comfortable with Logan behind the wheel.

He started the car and the lyrics to _Boyfriend_ started blaring on the radio. They both laughed, no one was really used to hearing their voices on the radio just yet and it still felt like a shock.

It didn't feel like they were big pop stars but they were shinning none the less. Heading down the highway in silence, James decided to speak up first.

"Carlos found me on the floor the other night and I didn't want anyone to know. I've been sick lately. Abdominal pains, fatigue-"

"And random mood swings I know. I've been looking up the symptoms and it isn't really normal but it could be a number of things. That's why we're going to the hospital and don't you try and protest it."

James kept his mouth shut as they drove up to LA Medical. It took them nearly an hour to be admitted to see someone and another thirty minutes before a doctor came but eventually James the doctor.

His name was Dr. Buchanan, a man in his middle thirties with jet black hair that was peppered with grey. He was built for a doctor, as James pointed out and Logan quickly quieted him.

The man had been nice through all the procedures and came back after twenty minutes of running tests.

"Well, Mr. Maslow I would like you to know that the results came back and it isn't as severe as we first thought. If you would have waited about a week later, things might have turned out worse."

"Can you just tell me what's wrong already?"

"Ever impatient I see, James do you by chance use any steroids?"

He could feel his face grow warm as he looked at the ground and answered the question.

"Yea I do, what's this have to do with anything?"

"Mr. Maslow, your liver was near the edge of failing which explains the pains you've been having. The amount at which you were taking them may also cause changes in your psyche, producing a stearoid rage."

"Now you're a growing teen and you're body is producing enough of its own testosterone. Adding anything to that will have severe consequences as you can see. I suggest that you stop taking them and in a week you should see things going back to normal."

They left the hospital in complete silence, Logan's face clearly confused and disgruntled. James started to say something but each time his words fell short. Yet, he felt like he should say something in order to smooth over the situation.

"Logan, I can explain…"

"Why would you do something like this James? You know your health means so much to us, not just for the band but because we care so much about you."

"Yea but-"

"Did you even hear the doctor? One more week and your liver could have failed. Then what? It isn't going to matter how you look if you die James."

"What do you want me to say Logan? That I have fucking low self esteem? That I try so hard to look nice that I need a little extra help?"

"But why James?"

"Because I'm gay okay? And all I want to do is impress Kendall; I just want him to notice me. So maybe one day he won't be with that blonde slut and he'll be with me instead.

I've wanted to be his for so long now and I know he doesn't want me back. So I do stupid shit so he'll give me a minute of his attention."

The sentence was hurried; James tried to push the words out before he choked. He had no idea how Logan would have reacted but he couldn't take it back now.

The car returned to its previous state of silence. This time Logan was the first one to speak.

"James, I..I had no idea. Why didn't you tell anyone sooner?"

"Dude, we're in a successful pop band. Besides, we're best friends. Do you know how that would just mess up everything?"

"But you've got to know that we would all love you no matter what though. We aren't just friends, we're brothers and if you like guys then it doesn't change anything. Even if you like Kendall."

Logan stopped the car in front of 2J and wrapped his arms around his friend. James returned the hug and pressed himself closer to the younger boy.

"James, you don't have to handle this on your own. We love you and we'll help you get through everything. But you should go apologize to Carlos okay? I'll be out here if you need me."

As they sat in the delicate embrace of the night, James almost believed everything would be okay. Maybe being gay wouldn't be that hard. Liking Kendall could be managed too with time. He could feel part of his burden lifting away.

After a while James made his way back inside the house. Carlos was playing a mindless video game while Kendall sat at the bar working on homework.

"Is there enough room for another player?"

"Yea, if you don't try and fucking kill me again."

"Carlos, I'm sorry I really am. I know I acted like a jerk but I wasn't myself. Can you forgive me?"

"I already did." He said with a smile.

At this point Kendall looked up.

"We were wondering what had you so strung out so we snooped a little bit after Carlos told me that you were having weird pains. Found your steroids."

"And after rehearsal, Kendall figured Logan should take you to the doctor and me and Logan both agreed. Just don't hulk out on me again though."

James was shocked at how smooth the conversation had gone. But that was how most things went with them, mad one moment and perfectly okay the next.

He sat down next to Carlos and picked up a controller and started playing. Maybe he should have been upset that they went through his things or that they had all planned the doctor visit.

Yet, he wasn't surprised that Kendall had led the whole thing and come up with the plan. His heart beat a bit faster and James could feel color under his cheeks.

The dirty blonde had thought of him. And that was enough to get him through the day.

* * *

><p>I decided that the first chapter wasn't long enough and it kind of confused things so I put the first and second one together. I think the story makes more sense this way.<p>

**You know with every cruel word that you utter**

**That you bury yourself even deeper every day**

**Oh, little boy there's enough love in this circle**

**You can shackle yourself or be free from this pain**


	2. Starry Eyed

Chapter 2: Starry Eyed

**Next thing, we're touching**

**We come and we go**

**Next thing, we're touching**

**But we're not in love**

* * *

><p>An unusual tension was high poolside of the Palmwoods as three friends sat together in a quiet argument. James was no stranger to the occasional fight with his friends but the constant bickering and banter wasn't anything he cared for.<p>

It was BTR's first day off in a week of dance rehearsals, vocal lessons, and constant hounding by Gustavo and all he wanted was to relax. Yet, it seemed that his friends had something completely different in mind.

Since James had come out to Logan, there had been multiple "discussions" about coming out and with Camille helping to egg on the Big Time Brain, small arguments became screaming matches.

"James, all I'm saying is that studies have shown that coming out in a supportive environment is beneficial to one's overall health. I don't think it gets more supportive than Hollywood and Palmwoods."

"Logan's absolutely right! Who knows, you could find yourself a guy that's actually gay so you can stop fan boying over Kendall."

The last line sent James over the edge and though he hadn't been on steroids for a week, his muscles twitched and the veins that ran on his arms were taunt with frustration.

He never imagined that Logan would be even more persistent than Camille about coming out. Besides, what if he wasn't really gay? What if this thing for Kendall would pass over and then he could go back to being like everyone else.

Yet, James knew that if this were some type of phase, it wasn't ending anytime soon. Coming out wasn't even the difficult part and although he tried his best to keep a nonchalant disposition, it was the people's reactions that sent shivers up and down his spine.

The other guys could pretend that it didn't matter what others thought but James knew the truth. Their whole careers were based not only on talent but the general consensus of the people. And the paper thin wall that he kept between his personal life and the public was wet with the tears of conviction.

More than anything, he would love to come out and be free of the double glances, second thoughts, and whispering mouths. Somehow, he knew if he were to come clean, the glances would linger, the thoughts would become facts, and the whispers would become so loud that he couldn't hear.

Logan and Camille wouldn't understand walking around with his shame strapped tight around their ankles like a ball of iron. But how could they? Logan was really smart for his age but otherwise normal and while Camille was eccentric and a bit delusional, she was a typical teenage girl.

No, James' sexuality kept him under heavy lock and key, close enough to everyone to seem normal but far enough to make him feel like he belonged.

"James!"

He was shaken out of his thoughts as Camille screamed his name but it was too late and a flying disk made full contact with his face. Carlos ran over and picked it up, apologizing the whole time.

"Dude! I'm so sorry. I was trying to toss it to one of the Jennifers and the wind caught it. I promise I didn't mean to,"

"Carlos it's okay. It was an accident. I'll be alright man."

"You know, I'm glad you're here because James actually wanted to tell you something."

James shot a look at Logan but put on his best smile.

"I think Logan's been in the sun too long, I don't have to tell you anything."

"You know, what James is trying to say is that he's,"

"He's been dying to hang out with you! He wants to hang out this afternoon, just you and him because it's been a second since you've had…bro time?" Camille interjected.

Carlos smiled and walked away; still desperate in his attempt to get the Jennifers to notice him. James' face was a bright red as he clenched the table to cool his nerves.

"Logan, listen I know you were trying to help but forcing me to come out isn't the way to do that! You just don't understand. You think you know but you don't okay?"

"No James, you need to listen. I don't care what you tell everyone else at the Palmwoods but Carlos and Kendall are like your brothers. Don't you think they deserve to know? We've never hid anything from each other and we don't need to start now."

"You know he's right. I mean you told me before you told the guys that you've known since you were kids. That's a trust issue and if you can trust anyone it's them."

James' anger slowly subsided as he spoke.

"But, I knew it would be easy with you Camille and Logan isn't judgmental at all. Carlos is kind of easy to freak out and I don't want to think different of me. And Kendall…"

"Don't you remember that time Carlos freaked out because we were out of fish sticks that one Friday? Or when Mrs. Knight put ketchup on his corndog? Point is Carlos may act like an idiot but he's a sweet guy and he cares about you. Kendall has been your friend longer than any of us. If anyone would understand it would be him."

"Carlos is a big boy; he can handle it. Just spend some time with him and tell him really easy."

James sighed and left the table. If he was going to spend the day with Carlos, he had some calls to make first.

There was a minute left on the clock and James' heart was racing faster than the seconds were ticking by. He and Carlos had gone to the ice rink and decided to play a two on two game with some guys there.

No one really understood why the he chose to wear the helmet all day, or why he lacked so much direction, but on the ice he was as majestic as an ice skater and as tough as any other player. Thirty seconds in and the younger boy pushed off, chips of ice spraying off the back of his skates.

Carlos controlled the puck as he slid down the rink trying to avoid the larger player and line up his shot. James held his breath as his friend came to a complete stop and slapped the puck. The opposite goalie threw his body in front of the shot but his timing had been off.

Right before the goalie hit the ground, the puck slid under him and into the net; just as the buzzer went off. James rushed onto the ice, gripping his friend in a celebratory hug before they walked into the locker room.

"Carlos that was amazing! The way you knew just exactly when to hit the puck. And did you see the way that guy fell? It was like something out of the Matrix!"

"It felt great just to make that shot, you know? It's usually Kendall making the big plays."

"Well today it was all you man."

James said with a smile as he patted him on the shoulder. Carlos struck a superman pose and cocked an eyebrow.

"No, call me Carlitios King of the Ice!"

"Whatever, ice king. Let's hit the showers and go get something to eat. I'm so hungry I could eat Mrs. Knights cooking."

The boys shared a laugh and started to strip off the heavy hockey gear. Even though the locker room was air-conditioned, they were both dripping with sweat. James watched as Carlos got removed his jersey and slowly slid the bulky pads off his shoulders.

Carlos had never been the most physically fit but he had definitely been working out over the past months and the results were perfect. His stomach had no definition but was lean and flat, covered with a thin sheet of sweat. A neatly trimmed happy trail peaked above his pants as if to tempt him below Carlos' waist. And when the tan boy bent over to remove his skates, his tight butt filled James' vision.

"Uh…are you checking me out?"

James was shocked back into reality as his face went red with embarrassment and he looked at the ground.

"No, no! I was just zoned out thinking about the game, that's all. Come on, you know I'm not like that!"

"Just don't get all gay on me dude. Couldn't have _The Face _turning all girly on us…even though you're already pretty girly. No offense though."

"Carlos. Shut up. That wasn't funny at all. Do you ever think about what the hell you say? Or does every stupid thing just come out?"

"Are you sure you got off your steroids because it seems like you have a dick up your ass. It was a joke. You know I didn't mean anything by it. Don't be such a pussy."

James sighed as he felt his nerves began to rise. Wringing his hands together while averting his eyes, he started to talk but remembered Logan and Camille's words. Carlos may act dumb but he was smart and coming out wasn't going to get any better if he didn't start being honest.

"Carlos, listen. I like…I've wanted to tell you. Carlos, I like guys. I'm gay."

His heart beat faster in his chest as he tried to gauge a reaction from the younger boy but when he couldn't read his face, he continued.

"And when you say stupid shit like 'don't be a pussy' or 'you're girly' or whatever it is, it does a lot more than just make the people around laugh at me. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but it hurts. Because, here I am struggling to accept myself and who I am and you're making it really hard on me."

With each word, James' conviction grew stronger and his voice a little less wavering. By the end, he felt a bit more confident than he had with Logan. Although, the quiet fear in the back of his mind never stopped.

Carlos was quiet for a moment; as if he were wondering what the right thing to say was. But the silence was deafening for James and he feared that another moment would kill him. Carlos sat down and wrapped an arm around his friends shoulder.

"Dude, why didn't you just say so? I would have stopped a long time ago. I'm really sorry about this. If I would have known, I wouldn't have said all that stuff. I'm not trying to be a jerk."

"I know that. I guess I was just afraid that you might start acting different around me."

"James even if you like guys, you will always be the look obsessed, perfect hair, leg shaving …you know what? This explains _so _much!"

"I do those things because I look good. Not because I like guys."

The friends stood up and finished removing their gear and wrapped towels around themselves, heading towards the showers. James turned on the water and let the heat soothe every muscle in his body.

Coming out to Carlos was almost as easy as it had been with Camille and even more fulfilling. It eased him to see that nothing was going to change between them both. Who else would help him annoy Kendall by playing with their food?

"James, you're really lucky to be you know, gay."

"What are you talking about?"

"A guy isn't going to care that you burp around them. Or if you didn't shower directly after practice. I bet that being with a guy is a whole lot easier than a chick."

"Carlos, I hate to ruin your whole idea of dating a guy but some guys will care. Besides, you've never even dated a girl besides that actor.."

"Well, none of the Jennifers will even look at me twice let alone give me a chance to date. None of the other girls know I'm alive with you and Logan around. Sometimes I feel like I'm not attractive to them or something. Is there something wrong with me?"

"Carlos there isn't shit wrong with you. It's because people here only want to be with someone if they think you can make them popular. It's like high school all over again. But if you put in the time and find someone who really likes you, helmet and all, then you've found someone you can't ever let go."

"You know, whoever you end up with will be a really lucky guy."

"And whoever you choose will find a really awesome boyfriend."

James smiled and started to rinse off when Carlos stepped in front of him and turned around.

"Get my back really quick?"

He froze; towel and body wash almost falling out of his hands. Carlos did know how this looked right? Or was he just being stupid? Maybe it was just a friendly gesture to prove that the whole gay thing didn't bother him.

Nonetheless James was petrified.

"You know…if it weirds you out because of the whole gay thing I can just,"

"No! I mean I was just lost in thought."

"Because it turns you on so much to rub your hands up and down my body?"

James shoved the younger boy into the wall playfully but was caught off guard when he grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the floor. Steam and water surrounded them as they play fought on the hard tile floor.

After a minute James had Carlos on his back; his hands held roughly above his head. The tan boy struggled but to no avail. James had strength and weight on his side.

"Get your fat ass off of me James! You win okay?"

"What do I get for winning? I think I'm going to make you go a week without your helmet!"

"Touch my helmet and I swear I'll knee you in the balls."

Carlos threatened, raising a knee. James hurriedly got up and offered a hand to his friend who refused and walked to the other side of the showers.

"Are you okay man? I didn't hurt you or anything, did I?"

"No, I'm fine. Could you just give me a little while? I don't think I'm feeling too good."

"If this is about the back thing, I am really sorry. I know I shouldn't let my sexuality get in the way but you're still a guy. It just freaked me out a little bit because of how it looked."

"James, it isn't anything like that. I just have a…little problem okay?"

"You know you can tell me anything. I'm not Kendall or Logan but maybe I can help."

Carlos hesitated before slowly turning around and exposing his issue. James' eyes were wide as he looked at his friends _little _problem. Being into sports, they had all seen each other naked before and it never mattered.

Sometimes after a hockey game, a guy might be slightly aroused because of the rough housing but not like this. Carlos' erection was pointed at the ceiling, the nearly purple head slightly exposed from a tight foreskin.

James couldn't take his eyes away as he tried to formulate any sentence that wasn't sexually related.

"Uh..I could just leave and let you get rid of it?"

"Don't stare at it! I'm not gay, it just happens and you were on top of me like that…"

"It's just so, I don't think you're into guys it's natural when you get into positions…when your testosterone starts flowing…"

James tripped and stumbled over his words. Lost somewhere between lust and confusion, he wasn't sure what to do or say. His body responded on its own as his length started to harden.

Carlos had never been first or even second on his list of guys but the situation changed that. Since he had stopped fooling around with girls, it had been awhile since he'd gotten off and he was sure it was the same for his younger friend.

If he decided to act on his intentions then it might ruin the friendship. But before James could decided, Carlos slowly walked forward and pressed their bodies together.

"Wha-what are you doing?"

James' voice came out as a whisper, his body caught in the heat of the moment. There was silence for a moment before the shorter boy spoke.

"I'm not having any luck with girls and I don't know. We're friends. I think I just want to know what it feels like to be with a guy."

"If you're Bi-Curious I don't think this is the right way to find out. What are Logan and Kendall going to, "

"Why are you making excuses? They aren't even here right now. If you don't want to then I can just, "

James grabbed him by the waist and pressed their bodies closer; each of their erections responding positively.

"It isn't that. There isn't any going back after something like this. I want to make sure that this is what you want. I'm not going to do anything that you do give me permission to do."

Carlos pressed his lips to James, slowly slipping his tongue inside before breaking. He took that as his answer and forced the smaller boy into the wall of the shower, resuming the kiss. Both of their tongues battled for dominance as they explored each other with tentative hands.

James moaned as he placed a hand around the 9 inch cock that pressed into his own 8 inches. Carlos bucked forward and response and he took his time moving the skin back and forth, slowly sliding a finger across the smooth sensitive head.

Carlos moaned between kisses as the older boy started to stroke them both at the same time, a sun stained white against caramel colored tan. Their bodies moved in a slow rhythmic pattern. Grind, kiss, breath.

Each passing second moved them closer to an eminent orgasm making their balls ache for a release. James removed his hand to the others dismay but he slowly started planting kisses on Carlos' neck.

He took in the sweet flesh and softly bit down on his collar bone causing the younger boy cry out in ecstasy. When he was done there was a small bruise that would be seen in most shirts but neither of them cared.

Lost in pleasure, Carlos only cried out for more and James obliged, biting down on the soft flesh of his side while raking his fingernails up and down his thighs. Making his way to Carlos' happy trail, he flicked his tongue against the tip before placing it into his mouth.

The smooth muscle throbbed against his tongue as he grazed the skin with his teeth. Pre cum started to pour from the slit and James sucked softly while smiling at the taste. The most impeccable combination of sticky, salty, and sweet graced his taste buds and he swallowed as if he would never taste it again.

Carlos had enough of the foreplay and grabbed fists full of his hair and thrust forward, causing James to gag at the intrusion. After regaining composure, James removed his mouth before pushing back down. A new rhythm was formed with Carlos controlling the tempo slamming unrelenting into his mouth.

James grabbed hold of his ass in order to steady himself from the onslaught before slipping a hand in between the cheeks and pressing a finger to Carlos' unprepared hole. Without hesitation, he pushed his finger forward, sweat and soap easing the entry.

All movement stopped as Carlos groaned from the sudden intrusion until James pushed further and rubbed against his prostate. James took control as he finger fucked his friend bobbed up and down on his tool.

Carlos could barely stand from the increased stimulation and gripped the muscular boy's strong shoulders, unknowingly digging his nails deep into the skin. He felt Carlos' muscles clench tight and balls draw close the base of his cock.

"James!"

The only thing Carlos was able to muster before shooting wave after wave of hot come into his throat. James tried to swallow everything; eagerly accepting his seed but after three shot he swallow fast enough.

Removing his mouth, another three loads shot onto his face, into his hair, and slowly dribbled down the side of his lips. It pushed him over the edge and without touching himself; James throbbed twice before shooting his own load on Carlos' legs and his own chest.

Carlos stood for a moment before his legs buckled and as if blessed with premonition, James stood and caught him. Carlos seemed to melt into the stronger boys arms as he held onto his waist for dear life. It mirrored the situation they had been in a week earlier and James chuckled at the thought.

After a moment Carlos recovered from his orgasm and groaned loudly.

"Fuuuuuck! Where did you learn to do shit like that James?"

He caught his breath before shrugging his shoulders while giving him a toothy grin.

"The internet?"

"Yea right, so how many other guys have you been with?"

"Truthfully I haven't really _been with _anyone. It's too much trouble to try and date but do you remember number 22 on the hockey team?"

"The big German exchange student?"

"Well, let's just say when we start touring; I'm going to make sure we go to Germany. A lot."

"Whatever, but can you wash your face off? I can't take you seriously with my come dripping down your face."

James ran a finger across his face and licked it while Carlos scrunched his face up in mock disgust.

"Don't knock it until you try it dude! You know it's a natural source of protein and can actually be good for you if you're healthy?"

"Um, thanks but no thanks. I'll take my protein from food like normal people."

"It's your loss. Besides, it's the least you can do after I got you off and you did nothing for me."

Carlos rolled his eyes but slowly licked the side of James' face and gagged.

"I guess it's an acquired taste."

"Well maybe I'll grow to like it."

Carlos replied with a wink before turning the shower water back on.

The rest of the day had gone smoothly. After a quick shower, James decided that if he didn't eat soon he would starve. They drove through town for about an hour; Carlos determined to eat fast food and James fighting him all the while before the younger of the two decided on Chuck E. Cheese.

Although it was far from a real sit down restaurant, at least James could be at a table. Carlos had other plans and pulled him through slides, ball pits, and countless games but by the time night fall hit, they had accumulated a lot of tickets. James ended up giving his to Carlos and the childlike teen came back with a giant stuffed dinosaur.

Now James rode through downtown LA, Carlos holding the toy and curled up on his arm, fast asleep. He still wasn't too sure about what had happened today and if it had been the right thing. It felt like he had taken advantage of the younger boy.

Yet, every time he looked over at Carlos an almost electric thrill went through his body and his heart raced. Did he like two of his friends? He wished he did and that it could be that easy. Carlos had made a joke about maybe doing it again.

So it was a possibility that they could become something more. There was a bond between them that was definitely strengthened through their acts today. But every fiber of his soul still ached for Kendall Knight. And for the second time, James wished that it were his black and gold Knight next to him instead.

When they arrived back at the Palmwoods it was well past midnight and the lights were out at apartment 2J. James shook him awake and walked him inside the house and put him to bed.

There would be time to talk in the morning about everything but now he needed some rest. He slowly crept into his bed when he saw his phone light up in the dark. A text from Logan.

_I covered for you but don't you expect me to lie to Kendall, his mom, and Katie like that again. How did things go?_

_He's fine with me being gay! Well more than fine actually…_

_What do you mean?_

_We kind of did some things in the shower at the rink…_

_TMI So you 2 are a thing now?_

_Not quite. Still have feelings for Ken Doll :/_

_Ken Doll? Oh, you mean Kendall?_

_Yea it's a pet name :D think he'll like it?_

_-_- we'll talk in the morning. Glad things went well with Carlos though. Good Night James._

_Night Night Logie Bear 3 U_

_O_o_ _Camille told you about that?_

_;D Good Night_

* * *

><p>I am very sorry about the long delay in updating! I was sitting on this chapter for a while and never edited it :P When I finally looked back over it I decided to rewrite it and make the Jarlos it's own stand alone chapter. I already know what's going to happen next chapter so it's just finding the time to type it up. Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing it! Like always, respond if you want. Tell me what you liked and didn't like and I will try my hardest to please you. Hopefully I will the next chapter up by the weekend :) Thanks for reading<p>

**Next thing we're touching**

**You look at me it's like you hit me with lightning**

**And everybody's starry eyed**

**And my body glows**


	3. Map of the Problematique

Chapter 3: Map of the Problematique

**I want to be free from desolation and despair**

**And I feel like everything I sow**

**Is being swept away**

**Well I refuse to let you go**

James walked into apartment 2J and collapsed onto the bright orange couch, his breathing heavy and deep. The humidity outside was nearly unbearable and usually he would head to the pool to relax but days off for Big Time Rush was a thing of the past.

They had vocal lessons at seven AM that lasted until ten, and then dance routines for three hours, a thirty minute break, and countless interviews about their summer tour. James hadn't worked out for a week and the stress had been building slowly. He peeled his tight blank tank top off his chest and let it fall on the floor.

There had been a lot more on his mind lately and like usual, it revolved around Kendall. He still hadn't come out to him and though he wanted to, nerves always got in the way. What if Kendall hated him? Would he be upset that he was the last to know? These questions and more swirled around his head like buzzards over a fresh carcass.

But hadn't his relationships with his other friends grown due to his honesty? Logan and he had become closer than they had ever been in Minnesota. And although he and Carlos had gone a bit past the boundaries of just friends, their relationship hadn't changed. James checked the time on his phone, 5:45 AM. Someone would be up and getting ready and he hoped it were Logan since he was the easiest to talk to.

"Hey James, you're up pretty early. And pick that shirt up before mom comes in and kills us both."

The brunette turned around fast, his heart skipped a beat as he saw Kendall in a pair of bright blue boxers. His hair was still wet and small droplets of water rolled down his body slowly. Before he stared too hard, he picked up the shirt and casually took a seat next to Kendall at the bar. Their bare legs touched, by no accident, and the contact made James' heart beat faster.

"I went for a run this morning while the sun isn't out. Why are you up though? Mrs. Knight has to throw you out of the bed in the mornings."

"I just had some things I had to work on."

Kendall's leg swayed slowly from side to side, and the constant brushing was making it hard to concentrate. The thought of being wrapped in those lean muscular thighs, kissing every single hair that graced his skin and what was in between his legs consumed James' thoughts. Kendall was still damp and was dripping water onto a pile of lose leaf paper that sat in front of him. Trying to break free of the lust, James motioned to the mess and raised an eyebrow.

"So much work you couldn't dry off? What is all that crap anyway?"

"It isn't crap! It's a song, well, it's a chorus, verse, and melody but I haven't come up with parts for anyone else. I was hoping Carlos would help me flesh it out a bit but he's still asleep."

James took a look at the paper, a mess of scratch marks, poorly drawn music notes, and hardly legible words. He couldn't make heads or tails of it so he tossed it back Kendall's way.

"Has anyone told you that you can't write for shit? Just sing it to me."

The dirty blonde sighed before starting to sing softly.

"So hop on my ride and roll your windows down. Cause tonight's our night. Get lost in the sound, I'm gonna crank the music loud. Let me blow your speakers out. Can you feel the heat? My finger tips are on fire. Don't worry bout a thing. I'll feed your every desire. We're moving to this song. Your body can't go on. But it's the night, night, night. To get it right, right, right. Come on. Can you feel me inside? You wanna go for a ride. I know you need it. I can feel it in your eyes."

The intensity in Kendall's eyes and the way his body moved to the song sent James' heart racing. While he wasn't the best dancer, the way the tall blonde put purpose and feeling into every move lit the small room on fire. James sat, dumbstruck and silent, trying to will away an erection that had started growing rapidly.

Everything that he had ever felt was in the words of that song and he knew that if he said anything that his want for Kendall might slip past his lips. Crossing his legs tightly, he half smiled before saying anything.

"Uhh, it's amazing. I mean I know you helped with 'Oh Yea' but this is something different. It seems like it has a deeper meaning to it than just a typical party song."

Kendall's perfect crooked grin lit up his face as he sat back down at the bar, clearly excited with a face that beamed with pride.

"You really think so? I know if you like it then she'll just love it!"

"Wait, she? She who? You mean you wrote this for some chick?"

"I didn't just write it for any random girl. I wrote it for Jo. It's our 3 month anniversary and I wanted to do something a little different than just a simple date or buying a gift. A song comes right from the heart you know?"

Rage, hatred, and jealously all rose at once from the mention of Jo's name and James wasn't sure if he could control it this time or if he wanted to. He didn't hate the girl because hate was a strong word and truly, nothing was wrong with her. She was one of the most genuine people at the Palmwoods and probably the best match for Kendall.

And that's why anger seemed to pour out of him when she was mentioned and especially by his best friend. The girl could have been sweet if she was by any other name or she was dating any other person. Instead, Jo had weaseled her way between the two closest members of BTR and James wasn't going to have it. He kept his face straight as he prepared himself to lie to his best friend.

"Oh well it's for Jo? That changes everything! The song is all wrong for her."

"What do you mean? You just said it was perfect? Why does it matter who it's for?"

"It's a great song if you're singing to a bunch of girls but Jo isn't a really sexual person is she? I think you need to clean the lyrics up a lot. Unless you want it to sound like you want to fuck her in a car. Make it less straight forward and more about the music."

"I kind of wanted the lyrics to be like that though. Maybe push her in the right direction? She just isn't…putting out and we've been dating long enough I think. I don't even want sex but it wouldn't be a crime to make out every once in a while."

"Listen, Jo is a smart girl. She'll prefer a subtle hint to 'can you feel my dick inside you?' She isn't that type of person."

Kendall sighed before nodding.

"I guess your right and the song is a bit out there. I'll clean it up and maybe you can do some harmonies with me later? I'm just really glad that we can talk about anything, especially girls. Sometimes I swear you think like one."

"Are you just mad because I'm prettier than you?"

"No, I'm mad because it's almost time for vocals and the other two aren't up. I wish they had the drive like you some days."

"Well, this is my dream and every day I wake up I remember how close I was to losing it and myself to Hollywood. I don't think I could make it if it all happened again."

"I know exactly what you mean. As much as I love hockey and the sanity that I had in Minnesota, I really feel like this is where we belong. Even if it does get kind of rough with Gustavo, practices, Bitters, life was so much simpler back home."

"Well, this is home now and you better get used to it. You know what would happen to the band if any of us decided they were going to leave."

Kendall rolled his eyes but a smile was still on his face.

"Don't remind me. Between your fever and your tantrum when we quit the band I think I saw firsthand exactly how you feel. But what I don't get is what's been up with you lately. Like the steroids and the all day and night hangout with Carlos. I feel like we've been kind of distant lately."

James sucked in a quick breath before saying anything back. The urge to just yell I'm gay fought against his better judgment. In a moment their whole relationship could come falling down around them or become even stronger than before. Yet he knew that everything had worked out with Logan and Carlos. Why should anything be different with his best friend? Through everything they had been through in LA, nothing had broken their friendship and James couldn't see his sexuality ruining that.

"Actually we have been distant and it's my fault. I've been keeping something from you and I think I'm ready to tell you."

"You've been hiding something from me and Carlos hasn't said anything yet? This must be pretty big. But you know that you don't have to hide anything from me. What is it?"

"I'm not like you, Logan, or Carlos. I'm kind of different from any guy at Palmwoods as far as I know."

"You're a little high maintenance and a little obsessed with your looks. That makes you a little weird but you're just like everyone else. That doesn't make you different."

"No, I don't like Camille, or Jo, or any girl in LA for that matter. I'm just not interested in them."

"Okaaay, what kind of girls are you into? You won't have any trouble finding anyone and if we just keep an eye out and-"

"God! You're so oblivious sometimes Kendall! That's not what I'm trying to say!"

"Well maybe if you stopped talking in circles I would understand you better!"

"Kendall, I'm gay. I've been hiding it from you because I wasn't sure how you would react. But after things went well with Logan and Carlos; I felt like I could finally be honest with you."

There was silence as Kendall stood in silence with his jaw slightly ajar and eyes looking at anything but James. Nearly a full minute passed by without a single word said between the two of them and each second that ticked away felt like an eternity in James' mind. More than anything, he wanted his friend to say something, anything to keep from feeling like he had done something wrong.

"Don't…just not say anything about it dude. We are still friends right? I'm sorry for hiding it from you and for yelling. I just didn't know what to do. You're more than a friend. You're my best friend and I-"

"It's almost time to do vocal warm-ups. Can you go wake up Carlos?"

And with that, Kendall walked out of the room and into the hallway, not saying another word. James tried to hold back the floodgates as tears swelled up behind his eyes. He tried to play it up and told himself it was so his new eyeliner wouldn't start to run but he could feel the tiny hairline fractures run across his heart. Out of everyone he had told he hadn't expected Kendall to react this way. Walking into his room, he shook Carlos awake and the tears were flowing down his face freely.

Carlos didn't speak but just wrapped his arms around the taller boy. Just the feeling of arms around him almost put him at peace. Sometimes words were in the way of the things that you couldn't say out loud and the silent embrace was just that. James didn't bother stifling his sobs and as they tore through the house, the sound of thunder clapping outside shook the windows and rain fell like tears.

Even though it was only 12 in the afternoon, darkness was heavy and rain and fog covered the usually sunny scenery since early that morning. James sat on his bed, knees pulled against his chest and face pressed against the cool glass window. He watched as the rain fell like clear liquid diamond bombs and exploded, covering everything around in their essence. With each drop that fell, he winced in an acute pain, remembering this morning and the silence that still racked across his skin.

He hadn't left the apartment since this morning and when Mrs. Knight asked he lied about an upset stomach. No one had argued and Kendall didn't even look at him and that hurt more than anything else. A bright electric blue brilliance lit up the sky, changing the shade to navy blue and lighting up the sorrow in James' eyes.

He heard someone enter the apartment and tried to lie down and feign sleep. For a moment it almost worked as the stinging in his eyes from crying dulled and his heart beat became normal. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and a gentle rocking motion.

"James, come on now. I know you aren't asleep so get up and tell me what happened."

Logan's smooth voice put him at ease and he sat up in bed, back against the headboard. Logan gave him a warm smile and held out a glass of water that he swallowed immediately.

"I know when you get depressed you don't look out for yourself. Mrs. Knight is trying to cook again so I won't make you eat that. Maybe when you feel better, just me and you can go out?"

All James could do was shake his head no. He hadn't spoken since the conversation with Kendall and didn't plan on saying a whole lot. Any earlier attempt at speaking left him with a cracked voice and eyes full of tears. Going out wouldn't help the situation either because at some point, he would be right back in his room trying to avoid Kendall and that was too much.

"Listen, we don't have to talk now but eventually you're going to have to tell someone about it. And if you would rather tell Carlos or someone else that's fine. But this isn't like you. The sitting and waiting around for things to happen. The James I know would be trying to make a plan to fix things. Even if it was ridiculous. Kendall isn't even here; he's out hanging with Jo. But I'm going to work on some school stuff. If you need me, I'm in the kitchen."

"Logan, wait!"

James' voice came out rough, parched, and laced with want. Logan always knew the right way to find information and there was no doubt that Carlos had told him about this morning. Even though he didn't find the charming boy attractive, there was something calming about being around him. He almost felt that if he talked to Logan enough that his problems might actually go away. If being a doctor didn't work out, psychiatry could always be a backup plan.

"I told Kendall about me today."

"Is that why you didn't do anything with us all day? How did he take things?"

"How do you think he fucking- I'm sorry it's just that he…didn't say anything. He didn't say a word and pretended that it never happende. He just walked away and left."

The tears started to form again and James' façade betrayed him as his lip quivered. Logan wrapped an arm around his shoulder. The moment was ruined as a small knock sounded against the door. Kendall stood at the door, face scrunched as if trying to assess the scene.

"You…two aren't busy are you?"

"No, I was just talking to a friend. It's something you do when you care about them."

"Logan, don't even talk like that. I do care about James. That's what I came in here to tell him. But can we please just get some privacy?"

The brunette walked out of the room and Kendall sat down on the bed next to James.

"I'm sorry about this morning and I know I didn't handle things too well but I think I know exactly how to fix everything."

James swallowed before speaking, letting himself move in closer to his best friend. Although he was hurt, the closeness seemed to make things easier and harder all the same. He had hated being away from Kendall all day but his emotions wouldn't have been able to handle it.

"I'm listening."

"I was walking around today and I was thinking about what you said about…being gay and I did some thinking about it."

"And what did you find out?"

"I put myself in your place and wondered what I would want someone to do for me. I bet you're feeling secluded and alone. You need someone to be there for you. To hold you. To comfort you. To be there when you just need a shoulder. So I went out and…I found you a girlfriend!"

"A _**what**_?"

"You said that you didn't really like any girl around LA so I got Jo to help me find someone. She's a brunette and she is really into hair and clothes. Plus, she's from Minnesota like us! I think you'll really like her if you give her a chance."

"Wait so you got your blonde bitch to help force me into dating a girl? Did you even hear a word that I said today? I'm gay. I like guys not some random chick from our hometown!"

"Dude don't talk about Jo like that! You don't even know the girl, she's sweet. Besides, how do you know you're even gay? You just haven't been with the right girl. Look at me and Jo, we're so happy and there's hardly any drama-"

"I don't care Kendall! I don't fucking care okay? Do you think I just woke up one day and had a thing for men? Why the hell would I choose that for me or for anyone? "

"Because you're stupid and confused James! You aren't gay. Are you even thinking about what's best for the band? You've been my best friend since we were little kids and I know you. Sometimes better than you know yourself and I know you aren't a fucking faggot!"

"Just get out! Get the hell out of my room, my head, and my life Kendall! I don't want to see your face anymore!"

James jumped up and shoved the lanky blonde until he was outside of the room and slammed the door, his face a deep shade of red. Anger flooded his body to cover up the desolation and despair that threatened to rock him to the core. Where did Kendall get off trying to set him up with some random girl? Was it that hard to accept that his best friend liked guys?

Whatever the reason wouldn't be enough and in a fit of rage James grabbed the digital alarm clock off his desk and hurled it onto the floor. The clock shattered, plastic and metal pieces scattering around the room. It wasn't enough and he flung everything he owned onto the floor. Hair products, cds, and anything else that could break was thrown around the room. By the end, the whole room was unrecognizable and looked like it had been ran through by a bulldozer.

Mrs. Knight came in just as he was about to pull the mirror off of his vanity.

"James Isaac Diamond! What is going on in here?"

James fell to the ground, his screams echoing against the wooden floor.

"James honey, listen I'm not upset…just confused. I know you weren't feeling well earlier but I don't think this about that. I heard you and Kendall yelling. What happened?"

"Why don't you ask Kendall? He's the one who can solve everyone's problems because he's just so amazing!"

"Tell me what's going on and I can go talk to him-"

"No! He's done enough. If changing me is going to be his way of helping then I don't need it. Mrs. Knight, I'm gay. And I'm not going to change, not for Kendall, not for anyone."

Even as he said the words he felt a bit unsure. He had no idea how Kelly, Gustavo, the public or all their fans would react. But nothing would be worse than Kendall and although it hurt, something about it strengthened his resolve. Gay and proud deffinetly wasn't him but James was sure that gay was and always would be.

" He tried to find me a girlfriend. Out of everyone I told, he took it the worst…we're best friends and I just don't know what to do. Mrs. Knight, I can't lose him. He's one of the only things I've got."

"Listen, Kendall is hardheaded. When he thinks he's right, he won't stop until he proves a point. But if you give him some time then he'll come around. You two have known each other for so long and he loves you and cares more than you think."

"If he loves me so much then why wouldn't he just not care about me being gay? It's not even like it's any of his business who I sleep with or anything. I don't know how you can deal with him sometimes!"

"Mothers just know how to handle their kids. And James, I deal with him for the same reason you do. It's because you love him. And if you didn't we wouldn't even be having this conversation. Remember that. Now I'm going to finish cooking. Did you want me to stay and help you clean this up?"

"No thanks Mrs. Knight. I think I'm starting to feel better already."

James shook his head but didn't feel that way and the throbbing in his chest still ripped through his body. Wave after wave of pain made him want to cry out to anyone who would listen. It was if somehow his emotional turmoil had manifested into something physical and it made him want to vomit. Instead he thanked her and closed the door, not coming out of the room for the rest of the day. Staring hard at the windowpane, his tears started to fall once again along echoing the rain outside.

Drip. Drip. Drip. The faucet on the tub leaked slowly as James submerged his self in the steaming water. His thoughts wondered back and forth between pain and peace, love and hate, and how he could escape them both. A razor sat on the edge of the tub. So daunting and wanting it stared back at him, almost daring him to take it.

No one would find out because he hid it so well and it wouldn't get as bad as it used to. Already, his mind was making excuses for the cuts that would soon line his inner thigh. He had cut himself shaving would be good enough. Logan might push the subject but James doubted that even he would find out. This wasn't his first time hiding the marks from people.

All throughout junior high, long before he had become "The Face", he had started cutting. It had been something new and refreshing at that point. It was a coping mechanism to combat against the bullying and his parents fighting every night. It had gotten worse towards the end of his parents' marriage, especially those nights when his father had come home late with the smell of beer lingering on his breath.

He would always yell at James for something. Not being manly enough, not playing sports, for siding with his mother. James could handle the yelling but when his fist came down as heavy as rain and as swift as lightning, that's when he couldn't take the pain. So it had been a knife then that met his skin in the middle of the night after the beatings. He would take the point and run it softly across the inside of his arm. The pain was bearable and nothing compared to the release and escape that came before it. For those few seconds, he was free from everything that caused him to hurt.

Yet when his mom got suspicious about the cuts and James ran out of lies, he started to let them migrate towards the inside of his legs where no one would see. The summer of his 6th grade year, his dad forced him into pewee hockey and things started to change. He was really good at it almost instantly and he finally found friends that liked him.

But no one shined to him like Kendall Knight. He was adorable back then, sliding back and forth on the ice with that loose black and gold jersey stuck to his skin. James hadn't known it then but the beginnings of a boy crush had started.

James would try his hardest to make the dirty blonde notice him and after a while he did. They became quick and close friends and it made both his mom and dad happy. Throughout the rest of junior high, James would be bullied by various people but unlike the beginning, Kendall stepped in and fought back. It led them to many trips to the principal and the school nurse but it was all worth it.

In high school they met Logan who had gone to a private school up until then and Carlos who had transferred because of his father's job. The other two fell in place fairly quickly and the quartet was born and all needs to cut had stopped cold in their tracks. Only a few scars remained from those days.

So when James opened the razor and removed a single blade and ran it quick against the delicate skin, more than blood was released. The memories came pouring out as well and colored the clear water a filthy pink. There was no sense of time as James kept running the instrument quick against his skin.

Back and forth. Left then right. Hot water and soap seeped into the cuts, making the burning stronger, longer lasting, and better. Salty bitter tears fell down his cheeks and his hand moved so fast that it was a blur in the foamy water. But he needed it. James needed to be punished for whatever he had done to Kendall and more than anything he needed to be free of the pain.

Finally he stopped when his head started to get light and his vision was blurry. The tub was a grotesque mess of foam and blood, resembling more of a shark attack than the peaceful bath he had planned. He sat and relished in his work as he watched pieces of his skin float around. Lying his head back he let out a sigh along with a single tear. James would rest for a while more than bleach and clean the tub. Mrs. Knight would thank him and the guys would just think he was kissing up. No one would be the wiser and James? He would be fucking free.

* * *

><p>Once again, I'm sorry about getting this up late. Again, I wasn't planning on making this a separate chapter but it became a beast of it's own. There isn't a whole lot to say about this chapter because I wasn't proud of it too much. So maybe you can tell me what you think? Anyway, thanks for reading and review if you would like :) And I think it's really awesome that Germany is the second largest country to the US reading my story! Hopefully you all will get one, maybe two updates this week.<p>

**No one thinks they are to blame**

**Why can't we see**

**That when we bleed we bleed the same**

**I can't get it right since I met you**


	4. Running Away

Chapter 4: Running Away

**I've been running away for too long**

**It's time I faced my demons**

**And time I face the music**

**It's time I face up to the changes I've been going through**

* * *

><p>Steam and a fog of hair care products and cologne filled the small bathroom in apartment 2J for the past thirty minutes. James had been trying in vain to get his hair absolutely perfect and to economize time; Carlos had decided to shower, seeing how it always took the older boy so long to get ready. A few days had passes since James had confessed his sexuality to Kendall and they still hadn't spoken. Worse than that, they hardly looked at each other.<p>

Being in the same room for rehearsals and recording was tough for not only them but everyone involved. Everyone soon became bystanders in the silent standoffs, choosing that not taking sides was the best way to handle it.

At first, it felt like any other foolish fight the guys had gotten into. But after it continued for two days, severity sunk in yet no one knew how to resolve it. Tension separated everyone in the apartment except during dinner which was kept short and quick.

To make things even more difficult, Logan had become his biggest "supporter" in the coming out process and suggested that he tell his mother. James was hesitant at first but after running through the idea in his head, he figured that it wouldn't get any worse than Kendall.

So, against his better judgment, he invited her to LA for the week under the guise that he simply wanted to see her. She was none the wiser and booked a flight as soon as possible. Mrs. Knight was even on board with the idea and decided that they should all go out to dinner and that James could come out then.

James pulled out eyeliner just as the shower stopped and the curtains were pulled back. Carlos stepped out of the tub with a fluffy red towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was slicked down to his head and a little leftover soap was behind his ears. He stepped in front of James and took over his spot in front of the mirror. A large black streak was on James' cheek as he tried to shove his way back to the sink.

"Carlos! Look what you did! Do you have to be so rough? I'm trying to look my best and you aren't exactly helping."

The shorter boy just shrugged and gave an innocent smile, his eyes crinkling at the edges and glowing with mischief.

"Oops?"

"Really? That's all you have to say? Do you know how long it's going to take to get this off, fix my hair _again_, and make this eyeliner perfect! You have no idea how hard this is and my mom will-"

"Love you no matter how you look."

"No, my mom will point out every single flaw that I don't take hours to fix. That's how it's always been okay?"

Carlos pinched James' cheeks and pressed his body close to the other boys.

"Someone needs to chill out. I know you're stressed about coming out and it must be tough after Kendall but everything doesn't work out in the worst way."

"I know…it's just hard especially because he's my best friend. I care about him so much and we haven't been talking at all. I don't know if I can hold it together if my mom doesn't take this the right way."

Carlos propped himself on the counter and nodded. James sighed and scooted over, reluctantly sharing the mirror space. A few tears threatened to leak from his eyes but he stopped. If he started crying he wasn't sure that he could stop on his own. Carlos grabbed James by the waist and placed their lips together. The kiss was slow and steady, building in intensity over time. James pulled back first and shoved his friend off the counter.

"You can't make everything better with your body you know? I don't like you like that."

James said with a laugh. Carlos opened up his towel and flashed James with a shot of his semi erect length.

"It made you smile so I think I did my job. I didn't hear you complaining at the rink the other day."

"You know if I didn't know any better, I would say that you were coming on to me. Sometimes I just don't get you."

"What's to get? We're friends, nothing more and nothing less. Is it that wrong for a friend to help another friend out sometimes?"

Carlos pressed his body close to the taller boys'. James almost let his body react and reach out to touch his friend but he stopped halfway. Everything about this seemed right but his conscious screamed that something was wrong. It's not like being with Carlos didn't cross his mind every once in a while. Things would be easier then chasing after a boy that may or may not like him. But if he couldn't have Kendall then he didn't want anyone else.

"There isn't anything wrong with that but I just want to stay friends. I don't want the line to get blurred between friends and a friend with benefits."

"Listen, I didn't do it because I like you; I did it I needed it and you know what a warm shower does to me. Besides, there's only one tall, blonde, goofy body that you want in this house."

James' face went flush with embarrassment as he pulled Carlos close.

"How do you know about that? Did Logan tell you? I swear I'm going to kill him!"

"So Logan knows too! Dude, you're so obvious. I mean I know you two are really close but you're acting more like he broke up with you than didn't wanna talk about the gay thing. And you talk in your sleep. Oh Kendall harder! I just love your body inside me!"

He didn't get to continue as the taller boy tackled him onto the tile floor and cover his mouth. How long had Carlos known and why didn't he say anything? He loved his friend but he had a big mouth and James couldn't let this get any farther than Logan and Camille.

At that moment, the bathroom door opened and Logan stood in the door way, apparent shock all over his face as he looked at the scene. James, in a bright blue button down and dark jeans, was lying on top of Carlos who was naked, his towel lying to the side.

"You know what? I think I know why it takes James so long to get ready now."

"It was all James' idea! He was putting on eyeliner and then he jumped all over me the next moment! I'm innocent."

"Logan, don't believe anything he said! I was trying to get done when he just kissed me out of nowhere!"

"Can both of you just stop your homoerotic fantasies and get ready? James' mom's plane will be landing in an hour and Carlos isn't even dressed. Now which blazer looks better? Gray or black?"

The two boys thought for a moment before deciding at the same time.

"Black."

"Okay, now you two get out whatever sexual frustration you have going on before Katie, Kendall, or Mrs. Knight walk by and think we're running a sex house!"

"Logan it's not what it looks like I promise!"

But Logan had already closed the door and left the two on the ground staring at each other.

"So do you want to finish what we started or put on your silly make up?"

James smacked the younger boy lightly across the face before getting up to perfect his eye makeup.

Everyone had made it to LA X just in time for Ms Diamond's plane land and without a moment to spare. The ride over had been awkward at very best. Kendall wouldn't talk to anyone but his mom or Logan while Carlos continuously made hidden advances to James when no one was looking. By the time the car stopped, James nearly ran to the gate just to get a breather. He had no idea what was wrong with his younger friend but the flirting had to stop. They would have another talk when they got a moment alone.

It didn't take long for Ms Diamond's plane to arrive and she stepped out of the gate looking like she was going for a business meeting rather than seeing her son. Dark aviator shades, black top, and slacks offset a bright white blazer and matching heels. She smiled and hugged James tightly while two men trailed behind her with what looked like two months worth of luggage.

"James I'm so glad that you called. You have no idea how much I needed this break. You're just as handsome as you were before I left. Although, your eyeliner application could use some work. It doesn't look hardly symmetrical enough. But it is so nice to see you and the other boys."

The rest of the guys stood awkwardly to the side and waved as she hugged each one of them individually.

"Kendall it looks like you've been working out but are you still letting those eyebrows grow wild like that? I made something that'll take care of it and don't worry; the redness and flakey skin will wear off in a day. Logan, I'm not sure who dressed you but black is a must for any occasion, it's a good thing you're adorable but just no sense of fashion. Carlos I always thought that helmet looked so…cute on you! It helps detract from your forehead."

Mrs. Knight stepped in before anyone could get too offended.

"Brooke! You must be so tired from that flight. Why don't you let the boys carry the luggage while we catch up?"

"Good idea! Logan, Kendall, and Carlos, could you all be gentleman and carry my things? I want to know everything that James has been up to these past few months."

"You don't want to know everything…"

Kendall muttered under his breath before Carlos nudged him in the ribs. After everything was packed into the limo Ms Diamond decided on an upscale restaurant in down town LA. Somehow they got in fairly easy and they were seated quickly towards the middle of the restaurant.

Crystal chandeliers adorned a beautifully painted that was made to look like a replica of the sky. White marble wall were accented by a plush red carpet and everywhere the eye could see, there were replicas of art by Picasso and Michelangelo.

James was starting to feel severely underdressed and underclass to be at a place like this. He was shocked that they had even been accepted but he had a feeling it had to do with his mom. She traveled a lot and made friends in all the right places.

Even without his father being around, she gave him a very happy life and at least it was better than pushing carts all day like Kendall. He never understood why she chose to live in Minnesota after her company went through the roof but he wasn't complaining.

After a while the waiter came and greeted them and after ten minutes of wrestling with the French/English menu, the guys got coke and Ms. Diamond ordered a bottle of wine for Mrs. Knight and herself. Ms. Diamond had to order the food as she was the only one fluent enough with the language to read. Although no one could pronounce it, the first and second course was delicious. James thought it would be best to approach the subject at the end of the meal and slowly eased into the subject.

"So, Mom I was just thinking that you should know why I invited you all the way out here for the week."

"I already know honey and let just say, I am very proud of you."

"Really? I didn't think it would be that easy. I…just don't even know what to say."

"James, every parent waits for the day when their child will confess how much they miss them! I know I was a little overbearing during Mothers Day but I'm glad that you understand how much I need you around. Being alone in that big house is kind of depressing."

"Uh, that isn't what I needed to tell you. I mean I miss you to but this is really important. I haven't been in LA that long but I think that it has helped me come to terms with who I am. I guess what I've been trying to tell you is that I'm gay. It shouldn't be much of a surprise considering, you know, you've known me the longest and all that."

Her smile slowly faded as she became deathly somber.

"Wait, you're _what _exactly? Because I don't think I heard you right. Did you just say that you were _gay_?"

The word was spat from her mouth like raw food and it felt just as insulting to James. He tried to hold himself together and keep face. On the opposite sides of him, Logan squeezed his hand and Carlos held tight to his right thigh. With a bit of trouble, he pushed past the awkwardness and continued.

"Yes I did Mom. I like…guys. It isn't a big deal-"

"Not a big deal! Being gay isn't alright. It's disgusting and evil and I will **not** accept this from you James Isaac Diamond!"

"Brooke, just listen to him. "

"No Jennifer! Don't tell me I put you in charge of my son and you led him to believe it was okay for him to be like that. Being gay is a sin and no son of mine will live like one. Don't you understand how many gay people get aids and die? I…I just don't know where I could have went wrong with raising you. Maybe your father was right about something."

"Don't fucking say that! Did you forget those nights he used to scream at us! Or what about the week I went to school with a black eye and I had to tell them it was from hockey? Did all of that just disappear because I'm gay? You can forgive him for everything he did but you can't accept me for who I am?"

"He was trying to help you! He tried to keep you from turning out like this! Maybe I shouldn't have babied you so much or let you try on makeup when you watched me put mine on. Maybe if he would have stayed we could have helped you!"

"Help me do what mom? He could have taught me how to hit women and kids when I got drunk? To torture a family into not pressing charges? What the hell could he have taught me? I turned out alright and I'm not gay because you loved me so much or let me use makeup. I never did like girls. I'm just not attracted to them and no amount of him beating me would have made me change that!"

"It was this town wasn't it? James I don't care what anyone has to say. You're leaving tonight and don't even bother packing your bags I'll get you new things. I can find someone who'll help you become normal again and we'll get you in a nice church. I think pop culture has tried to show you that being gay is something okay but it isn't. You're confused and sick but you'll get help."

"Shut up!"

All argument stopped as everyone turned their heads to look at Kendall.

"So, James like dick. It doesn't change anything about him as a person. No matter what, he is still going to be the same guy who cares about his friends, his family, and the music more than anyone else. So who cares if he takes so long to get ready or he's obsessed with his hair.

Sure, he wears eyeliner but a lot of guys are doing it and…that's not the point. The point is ,Ms Diamond, that James is a really cool guy and if he wants to sleep with other men, then it isn't a problem for me. And it shouldn't be a problem for you. I'm just sorry I didn't realize it until now."

He stood up and placed a hand on James' shoulder while Carlos and Logan followed in example.

"James is one of my closest friends here and if you want to take him back then you have to go through me. Who else is going to play with their food with me? Or be the second Hollywood Party King of Hollywood?"

"I wouldn't have ever asked Camille out or gotten a second chance with her if it weren't for James. He makes you proud of whom you are and gives everyone that confidence they need. There isn't any way to replace him."

"Brooke, I think what the boys are trying to say is, they don't just tolerate James. They accept him for who he is and they love him just the same. As a mother you may not always agree with your son's choices but it's your job to support them through it all."

"Well if everyone feels this way then I know when I'm not wanted. James, it was really nice to see you but until you learn how wrong you are, you're cut off from the Diamond family. I just hope I'm alive to see you proved wrong."

It wasn't until she got up and left that the reality of the situation sunk in. His mother, though a bit controlling, had been there through everything with him. She had supported him going to LA, wanting to sing, and any other dream he chased. Seeing her walk away felt like she was pulling a piece of him away with her. He had just gotten done crying for Kendall and he didn't think he had anything left but he chewed the inside of his lip as the tears threatened to start. Kendall held onto his shoulders and shook his head.

"No, none of that. James I'm sorry I've made you hurt and I'm sorry that your mom is being a wench. But you have to pull yourself together. We've got your back and I'll find a way to make it up to you okay?"

"I hate to interrupt but you guys might want to take a look at this. I have an app that updates me on Hollywood gossip and it doesn't look good right now."

The boys crowded around Logan's phone as a flashing headline read "Brooke Diamond 'James Diamond is cut from the family.'" The article went on to explain that James was no longer to be associated with the Diamonds due to a personal dispute and was accompanied by a photo of her leaving the restaurant they were in.

"Wait if that picture was just taken a few minutes ago then that means…paparazzi!"

As if on key there was a mob of people in the large restaurant. Flashing cameras, screaming reporters, and video recorders were out trying to catch a glimpse of their next story. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion and in a matter of moments their table was swarmed with black suits and bright lights. The harassment was unyielding as the guys struggled to get past but their attempts were in vain.

"Okay Kendall, now is about the time you come up with a plan to get us out of this mess. Any ideas?"

"I've got something but we have to work together. James we need a way out of here, Carlos you're in charge of clearing a path for him, Logan we need as many cameras as possible wiped out fast, me and my mom will hold people off."

"That sounds…pretty impossible! We don't know where to start and there are so many of them! I don't think we can make it. Kendall just leave without me!"

"James! Now is not the time to be over dramatic! Now we can do this if we work together as a team. It may look tough now but things aren't over just yet. Everyone get down!"

Kendall lined up a row of forks on each side of the table and hit them all at the same time. Utensils were sent flying into cameras and paparazzi just enough to distract a few of them. Carlos pulled out his helmet and tightened the strap.

"Time to go James! Where are we headed?"

James stopped for a moment and saw a clearing but he wasn't sure the guys were going to go for it.

"I see a way out over there but it isn't pretty!"

"It doesn't matter let's go!"

With that Carlos took a running leap into the crowd and started running through them head first. People went flying left in right to avoid the boy as he pulled James along. Logan grabbed a candle and set a small fire to the end of a table cloth and in a second it was ablaze. The smell of smoke lifted into the air as the fire alarms went off causing gallons of water to fall ruining the expensive filming equipment.

The restaurant was in total chaos as guests crowded the exits to escape. Water was nearly up to people's knees and the décor was falling apart due the mass stampede. Amongst the wreckage, three well built bodyguards chased after the guys and Mrs. Knight until they were pressed into a tiny hallway.

"Well James, now would be the best time to tell us how we're getting out of here!"

"Cool it Logan! I'm trying but we won't get far with them on our trail."

"James, take Logan and Carlos into the air ducts. Kendall and I will hold these guys off until you make it through."

"Wait what?"

"Just go already!"

One of the bodyguards made the mistake of trying to advance before they were met with a heel in the chest as Mrs. Knight let lose a series of kicks.

"Mom! Where did you learn stuff like this?"

"You and Katie were in school, what was I supposed to do? Sit around the house and clean? You'll be surprised what you can learn off television."

James watched for a moment as Kendall and his mom actually stood there own against the men. Kendall's fist made contact with one guys jaw and there was a sickening crunch but there wasn't any time to waste. Logan had gotten the vent cover undone and was already helping Carlos through.

They made their way into ducts and it was a little crowded and hot but nothing they weren't used to. In a few minutes that felt like hours, they had made their way onto the roof only to see Kendall and his mom being chased by more security.

Logan waved them both down as he was climbing down the emergency escape stairs and jumped into a car below. Everyone followed suit and before long they were riding away in the limo headed back to the Palmwoods. Apparently, Logan had sent a text to Kelly, amidst all the panic, and gotten her to send the limo for them.

There were hardly any words exchanged and by the time they arrived at apartment 2J, everyone collapsed in their respective rooms. Only Kendall and James were still up, each of them lying on the couch in the living room.

"James?"

"Yea Kendall?"

"I'm sorry dude. I really am sorry about everything I said and what I did. I didn't mean it I was upset cause I didn't want anything to happen to you."

"So that's why you called me faggot?"

"No it's not! It's because I was mad okay? I thought that maybe it would be better if you weren't gay but then I heard you mom and saw how she was treating you."

"I was kidding dude and I guess I understand. Everyone thinks they know what's best for you but that's something that only you'll know. I think your heart was in the right place and so is my mom. You just don't want to see me get hurt. And I understand that."

"Well I don't think you'll be letting just anyone hurt you now. The way you stood up to your mom back then was awesome."

"How about you and your mom fighting bodyguards? That was awesome! How much trouble do you think we'll be in when Griffin finds out?"

"You're scared of Griffin but not Gustavo? I think coming out has made you too bold for your own good!"

The boys laughed before getting up and heading to their rooms. They stood in the hall for a moment as if something lay on the tips of their tongues, desperate to break free. James was the first one to speak.

"Kendall?"

"What's up?"

"I love you."

There was a small silence before Kendall flashed his perfect crooked smile. He walked over and embraced the taller boy in a tight hug before putting his lips close to his ears.

"I love you too James."

James walked back into his room feeling like he was on top of the world. It didn't matter what Griffin or Gustavo said or did tomorrow. He didn't care if the public started hating him because he came out or if he lost fans. Even the pain from his mother started to dull in the slightest bit.

There was a razor in his bedside table and he had planned to use it again tonight. But just for this moment, there was no need for pain because Kendall set him free. Sure, it may not be the same kind of love that he felt for his friend but it was love none the less. Tonight he would sleep easy.

* * *

><p>Two updates this week and I'm very happy about it. A few more chapters and I'll finally be able to get the boys (most of them anyway) out of Palmwoods and into LA for a while. I'm not too sure why this chapter turned into a mini mission impossible but I went with. Hopefully you all will get another chapter before this week is over. Thanks to everyone for reading and putting this story in your notifications. I hope I'm living up to your expectations. One more thing, the last chapter had the largest amount of hits since I started this story! Like always Review if that's your thing or don't :)<p>

**I'll be thinking about what you said**

**This time I'm taking you at your words**

**I've got to be myself and**

**I got to find my own way**


	5. Heavy Cross

Chapter 5: Heavy Cross

**It's a cruel cruel world, to face on your own**

**A heavy cross, to carry alone**

**The lights are on, but everyone's gone**

**And it's cruel**

* * *

><p>"<em>Last night the members of Big Time Rush created some big time trouble in downtown La! Directly after reports came in that James Diamond was being cut off from his family, the boys of BTR created a huge mess in an upper class restaurant. None of the reps for the guys were available to respond. I sure hope it was worth it because they racked up a bill with an estimated worth of $30,000! This was Elena Thomas with Hwood News giving you the low down on all that is Hollywood drama. Stay tuned for an exclusive interview with Dak Zevon where-"<em>

There was a false sense of calm as Gustavo Rocque turned off the television and placed the remote down on his desk. The guys stood nervously, looking back and forth between each other and their boss. It was an eye of the storm effect.

For now everything would stay peaceful and nice until he opened his mouth and chewed them out. It didn't help that they seemed to be all over the news for their charade last night and made quite the name for themselves. Kendall, being the leader stepped up first and broke the silence.

"Gustavo, listen. You know how tough the media can be on stars. Besides, we have a perfectly good explanation for everything that happened last night."

"I know."

The boys started screaming for Gustavo to keep them and not get rid of anyone but everything stopped as soon as it began when James spoke up this time.

"Wait…you mean you understand?"

"Of course I do. I know that Kendall has an amazing reason as to why you all made $30,000 dollars worth of damage, ruined your public reputation, and probably destroyed any hope of a summer tour! There's no telling what Griffin will do when he finds out! Do you have any idea what you all just did?"

On cue as always, Griffin appeared into the office with his entourage close behind.

"No they don't have any idea what they did. You see, over the time that they've stayed at the Palmwoods, the boys have racked up quite a bill for various things. Over $ 10,0000 has been spent on the lobby alone and putting out their records cost me nearly that much. To make matters worse, they aren't currently making me any money."

"Griffin! If you just give us a chance to tell you what happened then you'll understand!"

"I'm sorry Kendall but I don't want to hear it. In order for you all to learn a little bit more respect and cut out your foolish antics someone has to take blame. And like plucking a spoiled apple from the bunch, I'll weed out the bad influence of Big Time Rush. Kendall since you were obviously the ring leader in all this, you're out."

"You're not kicking Kendall out of the band! You don't have the right! He has a contract and he's the leader."

"Precisely James, he always seems to lead you all into trouble. So with a new leader, you all will be better than ever. Gustavo handle finding a replacement for Mr. Knight."

"It wasn't his fault Griffin! It…it was my idea and my fault. I was upset last night and I pulled everyone else into ruining all that stuff. Don't punish him for something that I did."

"Taking responsibility for your actions, James I really admire that."

"So we can all stay in the band?"

"Of course not! I came in here to kick someone out of the band not be a part of some pity party. James you're out and Kendall you're back in. Now I'm going to count how much money I'm making off my lucrative investments. I expect James to be out by the end of the day."

Arguing with Gustavo and pleading with Griffin hadn't made the decision change and now James and Kendall sat in the middle of the park. James had refused to even talk to anyone else and no amount of cheering up from the other guys did anything.

It hurt to have his dream tossed out so quickly and effortlessly as if all the hard work up until now meant nothing. But life, at least for him, it was always about what you did wrong regardless of what had gone right.

"James you can't just sit here and mope about this! We have to do something about this or you're going to get kicked out of the band. What about your dream doesn't it matter?"

"If you have a plan then I'm all for it but you heard Griffin. I'm out of the band and unless you can get him to change his mind then everything is all over again."

"I don't care what Griffin said. I don't care how much Gustavo yells, or what your mom does, or what Hollywood thinks! I'm not giving up and neither can you. We've been through tons of shit to get where we are and no one is going to fuck that up for you. As long as I'm here, you have someone who supports you okay?"

"Well what's the plan?"

"The first step is getting off your butt and helping me think of something. Let's go back to the apartment and get some input from the guys."

Everyone met together in the living room about half an hour later but brainstorming was going about as good as the rest of the day. Logan held a sheet of paper as he walked back and forth reading off the suggestions.

"Okay, so far we have some pretty…horrible ideas."

"Just read them anyway."

"Bandanna Man could lock Griffin in a closet until he agrees, knock Griffin in the head with a frying pan so he forgets he kicked James out, cry about it, and…buy a monkey?"

Carlos giggled as he raised his hand.

"I don't have a monkey but I've always wanted one! They're so cute and fun. Plus you can teach them to do neat tricks like get the remote if you give it a peanut."

"Wait don't you mean banana?"

"They'd work for peanuts too!"

"Carlos, James quit arguing! We aren't going to attack Griffin or buy a monkey. All we have to do is appeal to his emotional side and set things straight."

Katie walked in and rolled her eyes.

"He doesn't have an emotional side! You all need a way to peak his business sense and then he'll be more likely to give you what he wants."

"You know what little sis? I think you're onto something! But instead of going for Griffin, let's try and win over Gustavo."

"There's only one problem. You all have about as much business sense as a five year old even if you work together. Let me come up with a few charts and statistics and I'll have Gustavo eating out of the palm of your hands."

Katie had been sitting with Gustavo for over an hour now, arguing back and forth while everyone else watched. The facts where all there and the truth was, James could make them money and a lot more of it if they worked the right angle.

Sure he might have to start posing shirtless, singing more dance songs than love ballads, and making a lot more public appearances, but "The Face" had a large marketing angle that hadn't been touched.

If he came out publicly, that would add a whole new buying group and a mass of fans. Katie was sure that James would be okay with it if it meant he stayed with the band but the only problem was Gustavo.

"I'm not selling out this band to Hollywood! The dogs may be stupid but the thing I noticed from day one is that they're about the music. They don't care about being half nude for cameras or sugar pop dance crap that everyone else is putting out! I won't do it!"

"There won't even be a band if you don't do something! I mean it's just simple business procedure until the band can recover from all the bad PR. Not a permanent thing."

"Katie I know you think you know something about business but you're playing a big boys game and you're going to lose!"

"Well why won't you just let him tell his story about why the mess happened at the restaurant? If he comes out then it'll put a whole different spin on the story!"

"I don't care if James sleeps with girls, guys, or stuffed animals! This is an all boy band. They aren't Lady GaGa. People are going to look at his sexuality, judge the rest of the guys, and then we'll be more washed than Lance Bass."

At this point James stepped up. He was grateful at all that Katie had done and had tried to do. Yet, if he didn't step up for himself then it would all be in vain.

And he couldn't bring himself to let all that work he and his friends had done be for nothing. Once he found his voice, James began to speak, his voice powerful and confident, something he felt like he had lost since coming out.

"Gustavo, I don't care if you're my manager or my dad. I'm going to come out if it can help the band. The only thing I care about right now is helping put BTR back on their feet after everything that happened at the restaurant."

"Well James, while that is a lovely sentiment, I don't care! You dogs don't know the first thing about digging yourselves out of Hollywood PR traps. Only time is going to fix this one."

Kendall stood besides his best friend and inwardly James beamed. They were a team and together, something would be fixed. Not too far behind were Logan, who's rational thinking kept everyone level headed, and Carlos who always found a way to keep their spirits afloat. He wasn't sure how thing would go back to normal but his hope didn't die for one second.

"How about if we can prove to you that we can get things back on track then you convince Griffin into letting James back in the band?"

"I would say that all the odds are against you, Hollywood is against you, and so is Griffin. But you dogs haven't let me down before. If and only if you can get this together…I promise I'll help get James back in the band."

The boys exchanged high fives before Gustavo stopped them.

"I'm guess you guys have a plan right?"

"Actually,"

Katie said with a sly gleam in her eyes.

"I have a plan but it's going to take a lot of time with the press."

For the next 4 hours the boys canceled dance rehearsals, vocal lessons, and anything else that had to do with their newest tour in order to do interviews. They were separated at times and for the most part it was Kendall, Carlos, and Logan at one place with James speaking in another.

Katie had decided that the best way to utilize time was for James to tell his story with an interviewer and then have the others giving support and telling the story somewhere else. In the course of the day they visited radio stations, tabloid newspapers, gossip blogs, and anyone else who would take their side of the story.

James turned up the charm wherever he went and reporters fell head over heels for him. Some of them came off a bit scathing because they figured it was a publicity stunt but by the time James had answered all their questions, the record was straight.

It was mid afternoon when Kelly had told them that they had an interview with Elena Thomas, a reporter from the Hwood network that had started the story. So the guys had gathered there and were backstage awaiting their cues.

"I knew I shouldn't have gotten a corndog from that street vender! Why didn't anyone say anything? My stomach feels likes its turning somersaults."

"I did! That man looked like a filthy hobo and I think there was mold on that corndog. But no Carlos, you just had to get something to eat. And you took my money to pay for it."

"Logan I'll pay you back and Carlos do you think you can just hold off until after this interview. It's really important that we don't blow it. Or do you want James to get kicked out of the band?"

"And now time for today's guests! It's Big Time Rush!"

The boys walked out onto the stage and waved at their fans and critics alike. There seemed to be a strange mix of the typical younger to teenage fans along with older people who clearly weren't here for them.

Nausea rolled throw his body as James took a seat in between Kendall and Carlos but the smile never left for a moment. What had his mom always told him? Take control of the crowd or they'll take control of you. The words seemed like a far off memory of a supportive woman who was his mother some time ago.

Elena greeted them warmly with a gilded smile of her own and large bright blue eyes that darted back and forth around looking for an obvious flaw. She was a tall woman, at least five eleven, and so thin it bordered on unhealthy as her cheek bones seemed to be pushing against the gaunt skin on her face.

Her neck was thin and adorned in so much jewelry she looked more like a rich house wife than the host of a show. Too much foundation, not enough blush, poorly applied eyeliner, and bright blonde hair that had clearly come out of a bottle. Elena was prim, plastic, and perfect and it sent a shiver down James' spine at how close he had been to losing himself to this town.

"Soooo,"

She started with a voice that was two octaves to high and over rehearsed.

"James tell me all about your new life as Hollywood's bad boy! Rumor has it you made quite a scene downtown with your band mates."

His stomach lurched and the stale taste of bile burned the inside of his throat like fire. He tried to play it off by coughing and hoped it worked. This was going to be harder than he expected but he swallowed before flashing a million dollar smile.

"Well actually Elena, I'm no bad boy, scandal magnet, or anything like that. I'm just a guy who cares about his family, friends, and fans. What happened at the restaurant was an incident that got out of hand."

"But if you care so much about your family, friends, and fans then why do something so ridiculous that has your mom cutting you out of the Diamond family? Rumors have already started that a member will be getting kicked out of the band. It doesn't seem like you care about any of it when we look at your actions."

Ever cool and persistent, Logan jumped in at this point to back him up. James was glad because he didn't know how to answer the question. It was loaded and Elena was prepared for their responses.

"I think if you look at what happened downtown and put up against everything else that has gone on, you'd see were really down to earth guys. But everyone makes mistakes now and then and we should be judged on our actions as a whole."

"That's true but a lot of people are asking what exactly happened that night and why. I think your fans deserve an answer. Besides, we all know that one mistake in Hollywood can cost you your whole career. Has James Diamond single handedly destroyed what is left of Big Time Rush?"

This time Kendall spoke up where Logan had dropped off. Charisma and charm seemed to radiate from his confident smile and the nonchalant way he leaned back in his chair. James couldn't take his eyes off the boy and he hoped it didn't show on camera. The fans would pick apart something like that and manifest it into something bigger than it was. But being this close to Kendall brought him the tiniest sense of peace.

"James hasn't destroyed Big Time Rush. I think, and I'm sure our fans would agree, that we're a whole lot bigger than Hollywood. Not to say that we think we're above other but we don't go around trying to live this lifestyle of the rich in famous. We were trying to avoid the paparazzi and it escalated into something we couldn't contain. We're sorry for what happened and plan on repaying all damages."

Elena was annoyed and it showed as her farce started to show visible cracks. Her smile was now a scowl and her perky eyebrows were furrowed with anger. She licked her lips slowly before continuing.

"Well there surely must be something about this band to talk about! Does anyone have anything that's actually interesting to say?"

"Now that you mention it, I do have an announcement to make. I'm gay and I'm okay with it. And if we have any fans out there who feel lost and alone because people say you're different, they're wrong."

Elena's face lit up like dry wood in the flame but she hid it well with poise and stayed in character. But James was ready this time and he couldn't choke. A lot was riding on this interview and if he played it cool, then nothing would go wrong.

He had always felt like Hollywood was a big game of bluff. Who could back the other person down first or who would trip up before the other. He never wanted to play hardball but if he had to, he could do whatever he must for the band. A smile crept across his face as he felt Kendall squeeze his hand.

"Well that must explain getting cut off from the rest of your family. I'm guessing your mother didn't take it too well did she?"

"She was hard to confront at first but without any of these guys here with me, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. The night I told her was especially hard and sometimes friends do crazy stuff to get your mind off things. That's what happened downtown that night."

"Speaking of your close friendship, does that mean that there are any other members that are keeping a Big Time Secret? It's hard to believe that there's only one gay member in an all boys pop group."

"I'm not going to talk for any of the guys and their sexuality and I don't think anyone needs to. I like guys but I like hockey, singing, and pie too. I just felt that it was time to be honest with our fans but being gay isn't going to change who I am."

Carlos who had been quiet throughout the show finally spoke up as he pointed out into the crowd.

"The fans are the ones that we want to please. Not you, Hollywood, or anyone else. For Big Time Rush, it's about the music and our relationship with our fans. We love James and we love our fans. End of story."

"Carlos is right. The connection we have with our fans is like the connection we have with each other. And at the end of each day when me Carlos, Logan, and James go home, we'll always have our fans."

"Well I think that's all the time we have for today's show! Sorry to cut it short everyone and let's give a big hand to BTR for being here today."

The guys stood up one more time and waved before heading back stage with a pissed Elena. The act was dropped and her eyes were like daggers as she looked at them. If looks could kill, James would have dropped dead in the matter of seconds.

"Listen, I don't know where you idiots get off coming onto my show and acting like it's a good old friendly happy time. But this show is about ratings. So next time I invite you, make it big or you can just go home."

"You're just mad because good won over evil!"

Carlos laughed as he waved a finger in her face. She reached out to lunge at the young boy but was shoved out the way as Freight Train stepped between them.

"Gustavo says that you all need to get back to Rocque Records right now. I think Griffin wants to see you guys. The limo is already out back."

The boys nodded in unison as they headed out of the back exit in hurry before Elena woke up. The ride back was quick and in a matter of minutes the guys were in the meeting room. Griffin stood at the front of the room while Gustavo and Kelly sat at the large table.

"Please boys, take a seat. It's come to my interest that you all went against my deliberate orders, doing unauthorized public appearances, interviews, and even landing a spot on television. I would say I'm disappointed but I expected it. You boys have guts and I admire that in a band."

"But I do not appreciate the blatant disregard for rules. I can assume that James was the ring leader for all this as well but you couldn't have done it without help. Kendall you can join him in not being a part of the band."

"The dogs aren't going anywhere!"

All heads quickly turned to Gustavo as he got out of his seat.

"You may have not seen what they've been doing out there lately but 4 teenage boys are giving unrehearsed, poorly planned, brilliant interviews without any type of help at all. They're all speaking from their hearts about the music and what they love to do. You can't just snatch that away from them. James even came out on public television!"

Kelly held out her phone before commenting.

"Big Time Rush has been the most searched term on Google, Bing, and Yahoo today. Their record sales have increased by twenty three percent. And not to mention the boys got about $80,000 dollars in free publicity today. Which means that we can take money from the advertising department, pay off their damages, and you pocket $30,000. Kicking any member out of the band would be a waste of time and money."

Griffin sighed before sitting down in one of the overstuffed chairs and crossing his legs.

"After careful consideration, I have decided that no one will be kicked out of Big Time Rush and I'll give the boys a raise for all the hard work they've put in. Meeting dismissed."

Everyone was still in a state of shock in apartment 2J that night. After the hugs and screaming had died down after the meeting, a sense of calm had washed over the boys. Usually something in their plans backfired or something went horribly wrong but this time things had worked brilliantly. Sure their raise was only five dollars and they were tired from all the interviews but more than anything they were happy that everything seemed fine. Kendall was the first one to speak.

"Things actually worked out."

He put emphasis on each word drawing them out in deliberate shock. James didn't blame him; he felt the exact same way. Never in a million year would he think that he could come out on public television with his best friends by his side.

"Well what are we going to do with our 'big raises'?"

"We could buy the monkey I always wanted!"

Logan slapped Carlos in the back of the head which started a minor slap war that Kendall jumped between.

"Can you two grow up for just a second? We do have some extra spending money saved up and I think that we should do something. James, I said I would make it up to you. What do you want to do?"

"You know…we never did get our Hollywood Party Kings of Hollywood title. I think we should go out."

"Well boys, it's settled. Big Time Rush is about to hit the streets of LA. I hope they're ready."

"Oh! Can I wear my helmet?"

"NO!"

Logan launched himself at Carlos and as they rolled around Kendall and James couldn't help but laugh.

* * *

><p>Not going to say much about this. Another chapter that wasn't supposed to be by itself. But I've got two really good chapters coming up and you'll start to see some Kames soon. Going to update 3 times this week. Read and review if you'd like and thanks for reading.<p>

**I trust you, if it's already been done,**

**Undo it**

**It takes two and it's up to me and you**

**To prove it**


	6. Fashion of His Love

Chapter 6: Fashion of His Love

**When it comes to you and me**

**I can't deny**

**This feeling inside oh no**

**I never felt like this before**

* * *

><p>A chilling wind whipped its way through the dark drizzled streets of LA while a thin sheet of rain fell slowly. Bright lights flashed and twinkled against neon signs and electronic stars shown their brilliance against an otherwise bleak backdrop.<p>

People walked by swiftly; club hoping, avoiding paparazzi, and mingling all went on in the streets. And James Isaac Diamond was thriving like an animal released from a cage.

His steps were high and his smile was sly and enchanting. A few girls waved and giggled nervously as he walked past. James ate up the attention as beautiful strangers lingered a little longer around him. Their second glances mad his ego swell and his heart race.

The other guys had even tried to dress up for the occasion. Logan was clean shaved and wearing a grey vest over a black button up top. Carlos was wearing a simple red button up but he had let James put some jell in his hair.

Kendall had been the only one who had fought to get dressed up. He insisted on wearing a simple white v-neck t-shirt and after a small argument, James had forced him to wear a black leather Jacket over it. James' own long sleeve grey shirt was stretched tight over his chest and arms, showing off his best features, and offset with a black blazer.

Despite everyone they had seen outside of the various night clubs, getting into one was a different thing entirely. You're too young, not famous enough; I don't see your names. They had heard every excuse in the book and yet the night was "still young" as Logan had put it.

Kendall walked a bit ahead of them with one finger in his ear as he argued with Jo on the phone. It had been the fifth time she called and James was getting sick of it. He tried not to let it show on his face but he could rip her pretty blonde hair out her scalp at the moment.

Even though Kendall had explained that it was going to be a guy night, she persisted that they had to see each other since it had been nearly two weeks since their last real date. Neither of them was backing down but the arguing was getting out of hand and Logan and Carlos could tell James was going to blow soon.

"Jo I am so so sorry about missing tonight. No I understand that we never get any time to see each other. Look I promised James that all the guys would hang out. Tomorrow it'll be just me and you. Love you too. Bye."

"Give me your phone."

"James I'm not giving you my phone. I'm sorry about Jo, I wanna see her, but tonight is all about the boys."

"You say that now until she calls you again. At least put it on silent because I'm tired of her calling and-"

"Okay! Not only is it on silent but I'm turning it off too. Is that good enough for you? Now we can get back to trying to have a good time. But before we do that we have to find somewhere that will actually let us in."

Logan looked at his phone while shaking his head.

"I've checked for every club within a 10 mile radius and after a quick search, you either have to be Paris Hilton or over 20 to get in."

"Keep looking! I promised everyone a good time and damn it we're going to have a good time even if we have to dance in the middle of the street. Hey! Watch it dude."

A guy brushed past Kendall, clearly in a hurry. He stood at five foot eleven and had a lean yet muscular build. His hair was cut close to his head and was jet black that made his soft brown eyes stand out against his olive tone skin. Dressed in a simple black v-neck and dark skinny jeans, James could tell that he wasn't dressed for any clubs.

He held his hands up in a gesture of an apology before suddenly doubling over and dry heaving onto the pavement. Logan was the first one to offer a hand and Carlos wasn't too far behind. They lifted him back to his feet without hesitation and held him up.

"Are you okay? Do you need to go to a doctor or anything? You seem pretty warm and I think you're showing signs of dehydration."

"No, no I just need…to get to work."

He said completely out of breath. James and Kendall exchanged quick looks before saying anything. They didn't know who this guy was. For all they were aware, he could be a mugger or con artist.

James wasn't too sure they should even be taking chances but Kendall tended to be the better judge of character. But before he could say something, Carlos was already pulling bills out of his pocket.

"Where do you need to go? I can call you a cab and you can get there instead of trying to walk. Oh, I'm Carlos by the way. What's your name?"

"I'm Brian but my friends call me Bry for short and that's really nice Carlos but I don't want to hold you guys up. You all look like you have plans for the night so I'll just make my way-"

"We don't have any problem getting you to work! Do we guys?"

James stopped short of saying no until he looked into his friend's eyes. Carlos had ways of getting what he wanted and as soon as he batted those long eyelashes and poked out his lip, James was sold. He started to pull money out of his wallet and hand it to Brian but he refused.

"Look it's really nice but I don't want to take you guys money. I only work another few miles away but I'm about to be late."

"Where do you even work?"

Kendall asked with a raised eyebrow.

"It's a club that my cousin just opened up called Sanctuary and he lets me bartend. It isn't glamorous but it pays bills and keeps food on the table."

"You look a little young to be bartending."

"Like I said, my cousin runs the place and he gives me a job. Besides I'm 18 so it's legal. I'm really going to get my head bashed in if I'm not a work soon."

There was a slight twinkle in the dirty blonde's eyes as he smirked. James knew the look all too well and knew he had some sort of plan whirling in the back of his head.

"How about, you get me and my friends into that club and we'll all ride there together. That way, you get to work on time and we get to go out and have some fun."

"Fine, but I'm not making any promises. Raymond can be a hard ass especially on a Friday night but if he's drunk then I can get you in."

Calling down a cab was the easy part but fitting five teenage guys into it was a different thing all together. Brian was on the far left side, crushed against the window by Logan. James sat on the far right side with Carlos in his lap and Kendall had the worse part, on the floor, in between James' legs.

"Why did I end up on the floor?"

"Next time, don't play Rock against Paper and you'll win. Besides, you don't have Carlos on your lap like James."

"It's not that bad actually. James has a really comfy lap and a really big-"

"Pair of thighs! A really big pair of thighs. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't seem to work out enough to get rid of them."

Brian looked at the guys and cocked an eyebrow. James could feel his palms start to get sweaty under his stare. He was fine with Logan knowing about him having sex with Carlos but he didn't want this Brian knowing and especially not Kendall.

It was worse enough that every bump made Carlos bounce up and down and that he could feel Kendall's head against his the inside of his legs.

"Are you guys always this weird? I mean the way you three are sitting looks like a threesome or something."

James expected Kendall to scoff or just laugh it off but instead he pushed the back of his head into James' crotch and winked.

"Me and James are close. Sitting like this only sucks because I'm on the floor but being this close to his junk doesn't bother me. We practically grew up being half naked in locker rooms. At least he doesn't smell."

The rest of the ride went as smooth as it could. The guys told stories about Minnesota and their antics back at home. Brian talked about working at the bar and all the crazy people that went through and the bar fights. Carlos only farted once and the cab driver only charged them an extra five dollars for it.

When they arrived in West Hollywood, it was a completely different life. A man dressed in glitter and tight leather walked the streets in 6 inch heels. Another was shirtless and dancing to a song that was literally shaking the windows of a small pub. Not everyone was flamboyant but no one was shy either.

Couples kissed without fear, people danced as if no one was watching, and style wasn't dictated by what others saw as fit. These were amazing people and they were also James' people.

He felt as if a part of him always belonged in more than a small town in Minnesota but he nerve knew to what extent. Now he felt like he understood a small piece of what he had been missing.

Suddenly he felt ashamed and that he wouldn't fit in with them. Maybe he should have done it up a little bit more or added some flare to his clothes but as a tall blonde winked and blew him a kiss, all doubt washed away. Brian pulled his hand and led them down the street, chit chatting with people he knew as he led the way.

"I wasn't too sure if you guys knew what you were getting yourselves into. It's not too late to back out if this bothers you."

James looked at the others and they shook their heads. Everyone looked just as mesmerized as he was but about different things. Logan couldn't take his eyes off the various female couples roaming around. Carlos' head was bobbing to the music that filled the streets.

And Kendall just looked pleased that everyone else was happy. It had always been hard for him to read Kendall's expressions but at least it didn't show signs of regret.

Sometime during their walk, Carlos had made his way behind James and started touching him consistently. Whether it was rubbing his hand up and down his back or quick grabs at his hips, the younger boy wouldn't stop touching him.

James finally just let it go and assumed that he was nervous or bored. Whenever Carlos wanted something, saying no wouldn't exactly work and James didn't want to fight him about it.

They made their way into a cramped back ally with high brick walls on either side that ended in brick. Even through the walls, he could feel the music thumping loudly as if it were trying to escape the club.

James almost thought that there was about to be some sort of magic entrance until Brian pulled out a key and unlocked a door on one of the walls.

The first thing that hit him was the lights. There had to be at least a hundred of machines on the ceiling sending the dazzling image of bright white stars across the packed room.

Strobe lights flashed in a rainbow of colors to the beat of the music as fog machines heightened the ambience of the club. Also, James noticed that although they had entered the building on ground level, there was a basement level packed with dancers while the first level was more of a bar and lounge.

It was complete with plush couches, soft carpet, tables with white cloths and waitresses, male and female alike, which were serving alcohol.

The bar was further ahead and was made of black marble but laced in white glowing lights and on the inside was a very upset looking Latin American man that was serving drinks.

As soon as he made eye contact with, Brian he yelled out a curse that was drowned out over the music but Brian ran over anyway while motioning the guys over. When they made it to the bar, Brian was apologizing over and over again while taking orders.

"Listen Raymond I got hung up in traffic you know how it is!"

"Yea right, you were hung up on the four guys that you brought in. Thought I wouldn't see you sneak them in huh? How much did they pay you to fuck them because if they pay enough for you to be late-"

"Don't talk to him like that! He was running here from God knows where and almost threw up on the side of the road. Me and my friends gave him a ride and he said he would get us in."

"Oh so you think you're tough pretty boy? You think you can come in here and tell me how to treat my workers?"

James backed off and looked to Kendall for support. Raymond was pretty upset. His hair was buzzed short and his eyes were a dark brown. A long jagged scar ran from the left side of his cheek to the end of his neck in a rigged line.

His height wasn't much at 5'9 but he looked like he could have been an easy 200 pounds of pure muscle. Somehow Kendall was undeterred and pulled some money out of his pocket and shoved it in the guys face.

"I'll give you fifty bucks if you just let us stay and lay off of him. Like James said, it's not his fault he was late."

"You think you can buy me? Do you think I'm some sort of punk?"

"Eighty dollars take it or leave it."

"Fine, but if I see any trouble I know who's face gets messed up first."

He walked out the bar and down a set of spiral stairs and onto the packed dance floor leaving the guys staring at Kendall in disbelief.

Before anyone could say anything, a girl dressed as a fairy with bright blue hair walked over and grabbed Logan by the collar of his shirt. He simply shrugged as he was pulled onto the dance floor just as Super Bass started to blast through the speakers.

"James! Can we please go dance? I love this song come dance with me."

"Carlos I really don't want to."

"James, just go with him. Have fun! It's what you came here to do; besides there's nothing wrong with dancing with a friend."

"Well you can come too!"

By the time they made their way down the stairs and onto the dance floor, the chorus was blaring and Carlos started mimicking the music video choreography.

James had always thought the shorter boy had been one of the best dancers and the way he moved his body always made his body tense in all the wrong places. Tonight was no exception and when he pressed his ass close to his crotch and started grinding, it took all of James' will power to stay in control.

Carlos spun around and stood on his tip toes and whispered into James' ear.

"You're tense, try and relax. Just have a good time and move."

James had just started to loosen up when he felt an all too familiar body press against him. He turned around and saw Kendall trying to keep up with them but failing miserably.

If it was following dance steps, the blonde boy was as good as anyone else but solo dancing is where things were rough. James' heart was racing but he was determined to stay calm.

"I don't think that I'm too good at this. I saw you and Carlos having all the fun and I didn't want to get left out. Besides, I would rather dance with you two then some random strangers."

"Is that a really vague attempt at a no homo because it was pretty horrible? Like Carlos said, just have a good time."

They danced for a little while longer, James sandwiched between the two boys in his own heaven, before taking a break and heading for a table upstairs. To their surprise Logan looked like he was flirting with the pixie girl from before and they had actually started to kiss. But Kendall put things together when he saw three empty shot glasses on the table.

In Minnesota there hadn't been much drinking at parties but whenever Logan did get any alcohol in him, he became less of the brain and more of the daredevil. James actually preferred this side of his friend better but then who didn't enjoy daring a friend into doing something stupid?

Logan and the girl ran off again while everyone else sat down. James tried to keep up conversation but between every word, Carlos would grab his package or stroke the inside of his thighs until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Kendall I have to go to the restroom, watch the table while me and Carlos leave?"

"Sure thing, just don't stay long. Who knows when Logan will come back with his new girlfriend?"

"I don't have to go to the-"

James drug his friend through the crowd and into three different bathrooms because people always seemed to be "getting to know each other" in a stall or worse on a counter. When they were finally alone, James exploded. Rage and confusion were clear on his face.

"Carlos what are you doing? I can handle you being weird when we were at home because you're just acting dumb. I can deal with you touching my back and stuff while we're in public. But why are you groping me while I'm trying to just talk and have a good time?"

"You didn't complain when we were dancing. Especially when Kendall was behind you. You also didn't care whenever we were in the lockers."

"Really? You're bringing up the lockers again? I'm really starting to think that whole thing was a mistake. Carlos, we are really amazing friends but you know how I feel about Kendall."

"It's always Kendall! He doesn't even like you. Why are you fighting so hard for someone who doesn't give a fuck whether you wanna suck their dick? He's with Jo and you can't change that."

"Because I like him okay? I can't control it and I can't help it. I know he doesn't want me or any guy for that matter. But he gave me hope when I didn't have anyone."

Carlos' voice was almost inaudible as he turned away and whispered.

"You could be happy with me."

But James had already walked out of the bathroom, near tears, with Carlos not far behind. Carlos decided to go to the bar and was getting cheers from others to drink while James sat at the table with a confused Kendall.

"What happened in there? I mean are you and Carlos…okay?"

"Yea, it was an argument another stupid argument. I seem to be having those with everyone lately."

"Well I'm sure you two will get over this and be back together soon-"

"Wait! You think me and Carlos are a thing?"

"I mean the way you two were dancing and the late night sneaking out. I just figured that you two might be dating. I mean it's perfectly cool with me!"

"Me and Carlos are friends and that's all. So why aren't you drinking or out there dancing?"

"I was never into that back when we were at home. I just kind of chilled while everyone else did all the wild parties. I'm just not that much of a party guy."

"Weren't you the one who said we needed to come out and have fun?" He said while holding a hand out to Kendall and pulling him on top of the table grabbing a drink out of a bartender's hand.

Taking a huge gulp, he passed the glass to Kendall who finished the glass. James had no idea what song was playing or what the others were doing but nothing else seemed to matter.

The beat thrashed wildly in his ears as he started to get that first drink buzz and let go of his inhibitions. He started doing choreography from their live shows, clumsily at first but over time Kendall caught on and joined him.

Before long a crowd had gathered up stairs and with a wide smile, James spun around and jumped off the table and into the club goers. He pulled Kendall and started grinding against him while wrapping Kendall's hands around his waist.

"James what the hell are we doing?"

"Dancing! If you don't like it we could just sit at the table and watch everyone else have fun."

Kendall grabbed a shot of a tray that was passing through and downed it quickly.

"Fuck that, we came to have a good time. Let's have a good time!"

He turned around quickly and pulled James closer, letting his hands grip at the taller boy's muscular back. James took it as an opportunity and slid his hands under the blonde's shirt and gripped his sides.

He could feel his muscles tense but when he didn't ask James to stop he continued. They moved like this for a while until James felt a vibration and Kendall stepped back, holding his phone with a look of disgust on his face.

"Who is it?"

"It's Jo…"

"I thought that you turned it off? How can she still call you?"

"I lied, I just didn't want to ruin your mood."

"Well good thing you waited until now huh? Let's just go. Then you can talk to her all you want."

Kendall shocked both of them when he tossed his phone onto the floor and the screen cracked.

"I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to leave, I just want you…I just want you and me to have fun tonight."

"Well what are we waiting for?"

The beat of the song changed mid tempo and instead of the thumping bass, it changed into a slower techno beat and Kendall took the lead again and gripped James tightly before sliding a hand to his lower back.

Before James could say anything, Logan ran into them and knocked them into a table. His shirt was nowhere to be seen and there were glowing lipstick kisses down his chest. He swung his arms around wildly to the beat before smacking a random dancer with one of the glow stick bracelets on his arm.

At the bar there was a loud crash and screams as Carlos jumped off a stool and crowd surfed while taking a sip out of a beer in one hand and a glass in the other.

Brian looked upset as he cleaned up the broken dishes that the younger boy had broken. Kendall took one look at James and rubbed his forehead.

"So you go handle Carlos before someone drops him or he passes out and I'll try and get a hold on Logan?"

James just nodded as Kendall chased after a surprisingly fast Logan. It was a sight to see him crawling under tables and jumping over chairs but soon the chase went down stairs and couldn't be seen.

He didn't want to deal with Carlos right now, especially not a drunk crazy Carlos. Reluctantly James made his way to the bar and pulled out some money and handed it to Brian.

"Hopefully this will cover whatever Carlos broke. I'm sorry; it's just been a while since he's had any kind of alcohol. We didn't party this hard back home."

"Yea tell that to Raymond when he beats up your boyfriend."

"Woah! My boyfriend? Me and Carlos aren't a couple! Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Not him, I meant the dirty blonde guy. You two looked like you were ready to rip each other's clothes off for a second."

"We're just friends too…"

"But you want to be more. I see it all the time working here. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"

"Why don't you just mind your own business? Besides didn't you say something about your boss beating up my boyfriend? I thought that he was just kidding about all that."

"No way dude, you saw the scar. When he says he's going to rough someone up, he's serious. He takes that shit way to serious."

"You have to help! What can we do to stop him?"

"I thought you wanted me to mind my own business remember?"

"Look I'm sorry but if Kendall gets hurt because of the stupid shit Carlos does, I'm going to kill someone!"

"Just shut up, follow me, and grab your friend!"

James didn't hesitate and grabbed Carlos out the crowd and Brian jumped over the bar and led them into what looked like a supply closet.

There were some nozzles and Brian turned a few before waiting a second. A gushing sound seemed to fill the club and James looked out to see what had happened.

Gallons of white foam was raining down from the ceiling along with water and according to the screams from the crowd, it was a huge success.

"How did you do that?"

"Don't tell the fire department but we rigged the sprinklers to shoot foam instead of water. This club definitely isn't safe but we make up for it in a good time."

"Jaaaames! James I'm fucking hungry! Get me a corndog please?"

Carlos nearly toppled over but Brian caught him and pulled him back up but not before he grabbed James' crotch and started talking about how he found the corndog.

"Yea he can't ever drink here again. I'm putting up posters tomorrow night."

"Do you think you can do me one more favor and I'll promise he'll never come back?"

"What is it?"

"Just watch him until I come back!"

James ran out before getting a reply and nearly slipped coming out of the storage room. What started as a fun foam party had escalated into a mess. Girls were topless, guys didn't have shirts or pants, and to make matters worse he didn't see Kendall anywhere. There was a familiar scream in the crowd and he saw Logan and the pixie chick trying to hold off Raymond as Kendall ran up stairs and grabbed James.

"Dude where have you been? Logan finally sobered up a little and I'm pretty sure half the girls here aren't really girls." He said with a frantic look on his face.

" I've never seen a chick with a bulge bigger than mine! What's wrong with this place?"

"Kendall! Calm down and tell me you found a way to get us the fuck out of here."

"Uh yea, there is a door out front that we can get through if Raymond. Where's Carlos?"

"In a supply closet with Brian."

"You didn't lock him in there did you? James you can't go around doing that!"

"I didn't lock them anywhere! I just told them to wait for us there."

"Okay go get them and meet me down stairs!"

James ran back to the closet and grabbed Carlos and dashed down the stairs to see Kendall backed in a corner by Raymond and two more men. He weighed his options before turning to his tipsy friend.

"Carlos do you see those men blocking Kendall's way? They'll give you corndogs but first you have to wrestle with them first okay?"

"For corndogs!"

The shorter boy shot off like a bullet and ran headfirst into one of the burly looking me and tackled him to the ground. James followed suit and dived off the stairs and onto Raymond's back, choking him in the process.

Kendall took his chance and ran around the last guy and to the exit door. Carlos and James followed but stopped midway.

"Wait! Where's Logan? Kendall you were supposed to watch him!"

"I did! But after you went to get Carlos I think he got away!"

Raymond stepped up to them holding the pixie by the hair and held a knife to her throat.

"You all aren't going anywhere or I cut this bitches throat! I don't know how you turned on the foam but someone is going to stay and pay for all the damage-"

He was cut short when a steel pipe came in contact with the side of his head and Logan stood behind him He held the pixie girl in his arms and shared a short kiss before stepping back.

"I want to see you again I put your number in my phone. I'll never forget you pixie girl!"

The guys pulled him out the door but not before he heard her shout out her name.

"Nicole, my name is Nicole!"

Everyone hoped into a cab quickly and started the ride back to the palm woods. At first everything was quiet but after a while Carlos burped and threw up on Kendall's lap.

Logan was still slightly drunk and started crying on James' shoulder about the pixie Nicole. By the time they made it to the Palm Woods, everyone was beat. James got Carlos out of his messed up clothes and Kendall put Logan to bed before they both met up in the living room.

"Well that was…fun to say the least. I hope it was worth it for you James cause we aren't doing that again."

"You mean you didn't like getting chased by a thug or having vomit in your lap?"

"No James I loved every minute of it up until that part. But if you don't mind, I'm going to take a shower. Wait up for me?"

"Alright I'll just be here."

James had no idea why he had asked him to wait while he showered but he wasn't going to turn something like this down. He went into his room and changed into a pair of grey sweatpants and a simple black tank top and waited until he heard the water turn off. Kendall stepped out of the bathroom in a pair of red basketball shorts and with a towel draped across his shoulders.

James could make out every muscle that stretched across the beautiful boys body from his slightly defined arms to the beginning of a six pack.

He wasn't anything that a girl would instantly fall head over heels for. His hair was a bit too shaggy and his body was still pretty lanky but to James, it was perfect in so many ways.

"You having a moment James or are you just in some sort of trance?"

"I'm good just thinking is all. Do you have something against getting dressed after showers?"

"I have the right to wear what I like. This is my house too."

He replied before lying out on the couch, his head resting softly in James' lap. He pushed a few strands of wet hair off of his forehead and sighed.

James could feel his body temperature rise and he knew that his face was a shade of bright pink. Hopefully the darkness in the room wouldn't betray his embarrassment. James shifted a bit before trying to change the topic.

"What are you going to tell Jo about your phone and why you didn't call her back?"

"That someone stole my phone or that it broke when I dropped it. I haven't really thought about it yet. I know she means well but sometimes she's a bit overbearing."

"That dog has you tied down pretty tight huh?"

Instead of getting angry, Kendall just laughed and sat up.

"It's straining alright but she loves me and I like her a whole lot."

"You like her…so you don't love her?"

"James, I don't know what I love besides you, the guys, hockey, and music. Enough about me though, how about you and Brian or you and Carlos? That seems like it could go well."

"Brian's really sweet but he's not my type and Carlos and me are like brothers. Besides, I already like someone else."

"Really? What's he like?"

"Well, he's sweet and he knows me so well. We get along so well and I'm closer to him than I am to anyone else."

"He sounds perfect for you man. So when do I get to meet him?"

James hesitated before taking a quick breath and the world seemed to move in slow motion. His heart beat was so loud that he thought it might burst into a million pieces inside his chest.

Everything was a blur but those pink lips that his body ached to taste and those brilliant green eyes. He could just take a moment and swim for a lifetime in those eyes. In seconds that moved like seasons, James found his lips pressed against Kendall's.

* * *

><p>Dedicating this chapter to my friend Bry and if you're clever you'll see I even used his name in the chapter. Also a few more original characters are going to be showing up soon and they're all important. I really enjoyed writing this and if I get some nice comments I'll put the next part up on Sunday. So read and review please. Tell me what you like and dislike and as always thank you so much for reading.<p>

**They say I need a strong man, not just a friend**

**But baby my search is done**

**No longer reason to cry or to justify**

**How I feel for you my love**


	7. All I Ask of You

Chapter 7: All I Ask of You

**Look at me**

**I'm a coward too**

**You don't have to hide my friend,**

**For I am just like you**

* * *

><p>Everything was a blur but those pink lips that his body ached to taste and those brilliant green eyes. He could just take a moment and swim for a lifetime in those eyes. In seconds that moved like seasons, James found his lips pressed against Kendall's.<p>

It was easy, a very simple gesture at first until the burning desire in the pit of his stomach threatened to eat him alive. So the kiss intensified, pushed on by James' lack of self control and Kendall's lack of reluctance. The heat between them grew and with each kiss the passion blazed into existence between their lips.

Everything James had wanted for so long was becoming more of a reality than a dream. Never in his life would he think that he and his best friend would be sharing any type of kiss and especially not like this. Open mouths and swift tongues graced each other fleetingly before starting again.

James could feel every heart beat like a bass drum thumping against his chest, urging him forward into the battle for dominance between his tongue and Kendall's. It wasn't until he felt hands pressing against his chest that he stopped.

"J James…I'm not like. I don't like you like, well I mean were friends but I like Jo and this isn't-"

James just shrugged and bit his lip to hold back the tears that threatened to start falling. He put on a convincing smile and laughed. The sound came out dead and wrought with pain instead.

"It's fine man. I didn't think you would like me back anyway but…at least I know now. Not many guys can say that they kissed Kendall Knight right?"

Kendall gave his own nervous laugh as he scratched the back of his head and tried to smile.

"Nope, you're the only guy who's had the balls to do something like that. I guess this puts things into perspective though. No wonder you were so jealous of Jo, and you wanted me to rewrite Blow Your Speakers."

"Listen Kendall I don't really want to talk about-"

"Shit! And when we danced in the club you thought that we, you thought that I was." Kendall sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling. "You're right. I am really fucking oblivious. If I would have seen this before I could have let you down and-"

"Just shut up. It isn't your fault. I should have listened to Carlos. I mean I spent so much of my love life pawning after a guy who couldn't love me back."

James was smiling now but tears were falling as he held his head in his hands. Things weren't supposed to work out this way. They were supposed to kiss and then Kendall would realize that he loved him back. Not this, things weren't supposed to be like this.

His body shuddered with sobs and even when Kendall wrapped an arm around his shoulder, something that he would cherish before, James shrugged him off.

"Get off of me…"

"James I want to help you get through this-"

"Don't touch me! Stop talking to me! You want to help? Give me the years of my life back that I wasted on you." The words flew from his mouth before he could stop them and soon he was standing, flailing his arms around and yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Stop giving me goose bumps every time you touch me. Don't give me hope that I'll be okay whenever I see you smile. You really want to help me? Then stop shining your fucking light everywhere I go!"

He knew that there was no point in yelling because Kendall hadn't done anything wrong but it felt good to get it all off his chest. Everything Kendall was and everything that he could have become was falling all around him.

He wanted a razor, a knife, or anything to cut the Knight out of his body. James stood up to leave when Kendall grabbed his shoulder.

Without thinking, James swung back with the force of his whole body and his elbow caught Kendall in the nose. There was a crunch and he felt something sticky and wet pour onto his arm.

He pulled his arm back to see the dirty blonde holding the towel to his face and blood, bright and red in comparison to the pale skin. Nothing hurt more than the expression on Kendall's face, a mix of bewilderment, hurt, and anger all bleeding into one.

"Why won't you let me help you James? You hid the fact that you were gay from your best friend and you didn't even trust me enough to tell me you liked me!"

"What the fuck was I supposed to do? You reacted just as well as my mom when I told you. How was I supposed to add…how I feel about you?"

Kendall threw his hands up in the air and turned his back to the taller boy before knocking over the table hockey machine. Glass and plastic shattered and covered the floor and to James it felt like their relationship over the past weeks.

Something would happen and that would break up their friendship until they sat together and put the pieces back together. But like anything broken, it was never quite the same as before.

"Maybe you were supposed to trust me. Maybe it didn't matter how you thought I would react because you're supposed to tell me things like this. Friends don't keep secrets James."

He brushed past James and walked to his room before turning back. "And secrets don't keep friends."

"So you're just going to walk away like you did last time Kendall? Just walk away from everything you can't handle because you're weak."

Kendall had crossed the space between them and was standing so close that James could feel his breath against his skin. For a second he was lost in those beautiful green eyes again but they were filled with furry this time. So he stepped back as Kendall started talking in hushed even tones.

"I'm weak? Yea, I ran when things got tough but you weren't even brave enough to tell me how you felt. And now you think you can stand here, blame me for affecting you in ways I didn't even realize, and then have the balls to call me weak?"

"You never asked if-"

"I never asked? Yea right, I ask all my friends if they're secretly gay or if they have crushes on me. I'm so fucking sorry that I forgot to ask you."

"But I-"

"I don't want to hear any more excuses! You won't let me help, you don't want to talk, and all because-"

"Because I love you Kendall Donald Knight! I love the way your eyes sparkle before you come up with a plan. I love the way your hair doesn't know what color it wants to be." The words were falling one after the other and James wouldn't stop if he could.

"I love your dimples when you smile, the way you say sodies instead of sodas, or the way your eyebrows are dangerously close to growing together. I giggle every time you flip your hair and my eyes can't help but follow your hips when you dance."

James could feel the tears start up again but he fought them back as he talked.

"You've made me feel complete since I met you. I don't know what it feels like to be whole without you by my side. When you're with me, I feel like I can do anything and nothing will stand in our way…and,"

He felt his throat shudder a bit as his voice cracked but he pushed on anyway as the tears slid down his face.

"You're the reason I played hockey. You're the reason I felt like I could ever be famous Kendall. You gave me hope and I loved you first. I didn't just love you first but I put you first. You mean more to me than all of the fame this town can hold and it isn't fair. Jo is a great girl but she doesn't deserve you." He laid a hand on his friends' chest but pulled away quickly as if touching hot iron.

"I was here before her and I'll be here when she leaves. I know that she got to you first but she doesn't even know you but I've been with you through everything. I didn't have the guts to tell you back then because I'm a coward. I'm scared and alone and you've been the only thing that's kept my feet on the ground for so long."

Kendall grabbed hold of his shoulders and squeezed them tightly.

"I'm scared too! I'm afraid that we won't make it as a band or that one day all the pressure will be too much for me. Every day I'm closer to losing control and you and the guys are the only constant things I have going. James, don't worry you aren't the only one who feels alone."

"I don't know what I have left Kendall…if I can't have you with me then I don't want any of-"

His words were lost as Kendall moved forward and kissed his lips in a fiery embrace, their mouths pressed against each other. The kiss was rushed and forced, Kendall's lips over powering James as if this would never happen again. Instead of fighting it, he let his body melt into the shirtless blonde and before long they were pressed into the wall.

Sweat had started to drip from James' skin as the heat from their bodies crashed together like a wave onto rocks. He pushed his hands through the black and gold hair he fantasized about and Kendall gripped his waist so hard that his nails could be felt through James' shirt.

James' breath became heavy and labored trying to find an opening between the kisses but the blonde wasn't letting up and only when James became dizzy from lack of air did he stop. It looked almost painful for Kendall to let go as if he was fighting with himself to do it or not.

No more words were spoken as James walked out of the cramped hallway and into the living room. He sat down on the couch and exhaled slowly as the blonde leaned against the opposite wall.

They stayed like this for a while. Words would rise in his throat but never come out. James wanted to say so much and yet nothing seemed like the right thing to say.

"You know, it wasn't supposed to be like this for me either…" Kendall started with a false chuckle.

"Jo was supposed to be my girlfriend and you were supposed to be my best friend. I was going to get married, you would be the best man, and when I had kids you would be Uncle James. Do you remember when we used to go to summer camp together?"

"We used to stay up after lights out and read comics and talk about hockey. You had the cutest bowl cut I had ever seen."

"You used to make fun of me for my haircut! You had the other kids call me bowl head for the whole month!"

"Well I loved it but how was I supposed to tell another boy that I thought his hair was cute?"

"I guess that would have been really hard back then. But I was asking if you remembered anything specific about camp…like the day at the lake?"

James shook his head because that day had never left his mind. He could even remember standing in line before they called names for two person rowing and the 98 degree heat.

…

_The summer humidity choked any hint of a breeze out the air and sun beams were like spotlights on their backs as about 20 boys stood listening to a camp counselor give a lecture. _

_James wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention as he watched Kendall Knight out of the corner of his eye. Everyone was being assigned partners for rowing and he was wishing and praying that he got Kendall. _

_He liked Kendall but then what boy didn't? He was the best swimmer, hiker, and knot tier in the whole camp. Yet, there was another feeling just below the surface that wouldn't go away._

_Maybe it was the bowl cut or the way his dimples came out when his cheeks rose but whatever it was, it wouldn't leave James alone. As the counselor started calling out the last names that started with K, James held his breath._

"_Key, you go with Michaels. Kales, you're paired with Mallard. And Knight you can go with Maslow."_

_James laughed to himself out of sheer excitement. This is what he had been waiting for all summer and it made everything worth the wait, even being paired with the boy who still sucked his thumb._

_He walked over to Kendall who was nonchalantly waiting for him, a look of boredom clear on his face. James gave a goofy smile and waved but the other boy seemed to miss it._

"_Um..so Kendall…are you ready to get on the boat? I can wait on you if you're not or we can leave right now. Which part do you want? The front or the back because I'm fine with-"_

_He stopped midsentence as Kendall just started laughing and flipped his black and gold hair out of his face._

"_Are you usually this talkative dude? No wait, don't answer that question cause I know you won't stop talking. How good at you are keeping secrets?"_

"_I'm really good!" He leaned close to the other boy and whispered. "Do you have a secret?"_

"_Yea. I have a spot that I used to swim with some of the other boys before. Do you wanna go?"_

"_Sure dude! I'll go anywhere with you."_

_Kendall raised a furry eyebrow and his mouth twisted sideways but he grabbed James' hand and led him past the older boys and into the woods. The trail was fairly simple and it wasn't long before they reached a clearing in the woods and a beautiful lake._

_The whole scene was serene and not a sound could even be heard but the quiet ripples of water at the lake. James looked over to Kendall who was removing his shirt and it made his stomach twist like wind in a summer storm._

"_Wh..what are you doing dude?"_

"_If we come back and our clothes are all wet they'll know what we did!"_

"_Well I'm keeping my clothes on!"_

"_Come on James, don't be a chicken. I dare, no; I double dog dare you to take your clothes off."_

…

Once the challenge was spoken, James had no intention of turning back on it. The rest of the day was something like a wet blur. He had been too shy to look at Kendall while he was naked, something that hadn't changed, but that didn't ruin any of the fun.

He was surprised that they had gotten away with swimming but ever since they had met, Kendall had a way of getting them out of trouble. And James had a way of diving head first into whatever Kendall planned.

"Yea I remember the day but what was so special about it?"

"Wasn't it nice though? We were there for the whole day and we even watched the sunset together. Remember I dared you to go skinny dipping with me and then laughed at your superman boxers."

James chuckled at the thought before rolling his eyes.

"Yea and you wouldn't let me live it down either! I think you teased me until we got to high school."

"They were dark blue and had a big red S on your ass! How could I not mess with you about that?"

"I think someone has a really dirty mind. Is that why you brought it up? To mess with me about my childhood fashion choices from when I was 13 or talk about my ass?"

"You really don't remember then do you?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

Kendall sat down next to James on the couch and put an arm on his leg.

"James…that was the day I told you that I loved you remember?"

"Oh that? Yea, it was kind of awkward and we ended up just laughing about it later."

"No, you laughed at me and got back in the water…but I was trying to be serious about it believe it or not. I mean I know we were young but if you told me how you felt then…maybe things could have been different."

"All you said was that you kind of really liked me a lot. How was I supposed to know what that meant? I mean of course I hoped that you had meant something by it but we were so young...and I didn't want to put hope into anything and have it crushed."

"I wasn't the charmer that I am now." Kendall said sarcastically while smiling. "But that's what I meant. Besides, if you don't have anything else James, you can believe in me."

"I'll always believe in you. It's the only thing that's gotten me this far. One thing is bothering me, if you couldn't tell me how you felt before, then how do you feel now?"

"Well…I never figured that I would ever be attracted to another guy. But I don't think you're like any other guy and you've never been."

He inched closer to James until their foreheads were nearly touching. His green eyes were blazing with passion and he flicked his tongue over his lips and held the side of James' face before saying anything else.

"You have been one of my closest friends for as long as I remember and I don't understand the feelings that I have for you and maybe I never will. I do understand that a really big part of me wants to be with you. And if you still feel that way about me, then maybe we can give this a shot."

"Kendall…what are we going to tell your mom? Or Katie? How do we explain to the guys or the reporters when they find out?"

"Shhh," He hushed the taller boy and pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. "James, can we just worry about right now? We'll figure out the rest in the morning."

"Alright…but we can't do this here in the living room. What if Mrs. Knight comes in and-"

"And I'll tell her that I got drunk or that her son is having homoerotic fantasies about his best friend. Trust me James, I'll think of something but first," He said while putting his hands under his muscular friends shirt. "I have to get you out of this."

Kendall let his hands dance across the washboard abs and smooth skin on James' chest before raising the tight grey fabric off of him. James lied down on the bright orange couch and the blonde ran his hands up and down his chest.

"God you're fucking beautiful." Kendall whispered before placing his lips on James' collar bone. He bit down on the sweaty skin and James cried out sharply. The blonde backed off and rubbed his face gently.

"That felt okay; didn't it? " He said with hesitation in his voice.

James just smiled at how easily Kendall's bravado had dropped once he thought that he was hurting the muscular boy.

"It felt _great_. I'm not Jo; you don't have to go easy on me."

Kendall placed sweet kisses on the honey colored skin of James' chest, running his tongue around his nipples before holding the sensitive flesh in between his teeth and biting down on it while sucking. James went wild with passion as he thrust upward, both boys' cloth imprisoned erections rubbing together.

Never would he have imagined that the blonde would be such an expert with his mouth and James was ready to let go. Knotting the silky red sheets in between tight fists, he moaned while Kendall worshiped his body. He drug his tongue across James' bulging biceps, mixing sweat and saliva, before stopping at his smooth abs causing the larger boy to shudder with anticipation.

Pre come was leaking from the tip of James' length causing a dark spot to form in his dark jeans and Kendall let his fingers graze teasingly at the zipper. But instead of unleashing it, Kendall moved up and sat down on James' chest and lined his neck with sloppy kisses. James grabbed the smaller boy by the waist and flipped him over.

Thoughts twisted and twirled over and over again as his mind raced to catch up. This was everything he wanted. A warm LA night, cool bed sheets, and Kendall's hot body beneath him. Something told him that they shouldn't be moving quite as fast but he ignored everything but his lust as he pressed his face to Kendall's groin.

The scent was fresh with soap, a light powder scent, and still heavy with the manly smell of testosterone. He rubbed the length before pushing up the legs of his shorts and kissing the inside of his thighs softly. Now it was James' turn to tease as Kendall let out a breathless moan while trying to guide his head down.

"Tell me what you want." The question was whispered softly, James purposefully letting the heat from his breath blow onto Kendall's groin causing him to squirm.

"J James I want you…to you know." Kendall replied breathlessly.

"I can't do it unless you tell me."

"Fuck Jamie. I want you to make me come…"

"You sure Kendall?"

"Yes!" He whispered harshly.

And James didn't need to hear anything else and he eased Kendall's shorts down slowly. The aftershocks from his heart beat were unrelenting and he felt as if his chest might break after one more breath. Nervous couldn't describe the feeling of getting ready to see something that he had imagined for so many years.

But when he held onto the waistband of his shorts, James grabbed onto his inhibition and with each inch he pulled down, his fears went away. Every emotion and dream about Kendall's most secret body had accumulated up to that point and his patience was rewarded with the sight of the boys' throbbing cock.

It was everything that James had expected and more, at least two inches thick with a wide bullet shaped head and throbbing veins running along it. He had to at least be seven inches long and the tip dripped clear fluid like a bad faucet, slowly creating a pool of pre come by his navel.

James savored the moment and let his tongue slide across the sticky sweet fluid before moving to Kendall's balls. He sucked one into his mouth and then the other creating a torturing pattern of pleasure for the dirty blonde, whose head thrashed back wildly at the new sensations.

The pressure started to build up in his own pants and James freed his erection before holding it against Kendall's and slowly gripping the two lengths in a tight fist. They lay like that for a moment, both of them unsure on what the next step should be, until Kendall ground upwards and pushed his tongue into James' mouth and for the second time that night, Kendall was in control.

James didn't even bother to fight back as he felt his friends tongue explore his mouth with a feverish intensity. All he wanted was to be consumed and taken by the blonde in every single way because once the night wore off; they may never be this way again. So James gave in and let Kendall turn him over and once again, Kendall straddled the brunet's chest except this time his steadily leaking cock was pressed against James' lips.

He got the idea and flicked his tongue slowly across the tip before slowly pulling it into the warm concave of his mouth. Steadily he took more and more in until his nose was buried in Kendall's pubes and the blonde stroked his face tenderly.

Kendall began to roll his hips back and forth, pushing his dick in and out of James' mouth like waves crashing against the shore. James responded by running his teeth against the sensitive head and Kendall had to bite down on James' muscular shoulder to keep from crying out.

He felt the blonde's balls tighten and his ass flexed as he thrust harder causing him to gag. "I'm…about to come." Kendall said breathlessly. "Did you want me to pull out or-" The response was simple as James grabbed on to his ass and pushed him deeper into his throat.

James felt Kendall thicken in his mouth before letting lose ribbons of cum into the back of his throat. He had thought Carlos had been hard to swallow but after six shots James was still struggling to take in everything. Kendall pulled out of his mouth and started stroking himself to finish and his eyes squeezed shut as another blast coated James chest and neck.

James grabbed his own length and started thrusting into his own fist before it was replaced with Kendall's hand. The movements were awkward and jerky at first but after a while, the blonde got the hang of it and twirled his fist with expertise. In moments James came violently, covering Kendall's arm in thick white strings of come. The blonde just smiled and licked is fingers to James' surprise.

"Shit James," He moaned before grabbing fists full of the soft brown hair. "you looked so cute with my cock in your mouth." James gave the best smile he could as his cheeks became a bright shade of pink. "Well…uh...Thanks I guess. It was something I kind of always wanted to do."

Kendall bent over and licked the mess off of James' chest before kissing him deeply. "That's thank you for...the most amazing night of my life." He lay down with his face pressed against the muscular chest, their sweat and come sticking to their bodies. James sighed and kissed him on the cheek.

"Not many guys will actually reciprocate something like that and you didn't have to Kendall."

"I think it's safe to say that I'm not like other guys," He started with his crooked smile while wrapping an arm around James. "Jo wouldn't ever do anything like that for me. I still haven't seen her naked."

James shrunk back and sat up in bed. "You mean you only did it because it was the right thing to do? So I suck your dick and then you get me off and that's it?" Kendall stared back in disbelief.

"James! Why are you still so defensive? I didn't do any of this just because of Jo or some sex code of conduct. Why is it so hard to see that I actually like you?"

"Because I don't see what there is to like! I feel like I'm going to wake up and you're going to be back with her and I'm going to be alone again. What's keeping you from breaking everything into pieces Kendall? Why do you even love me?"

"_Have you ever had the feeling you're drawn to someone? And there isn't anything they could have said or done?_" Kendall sang softly into his ear while gripping his waist tightly. "_You're looking for a boyfriend, I see that. Give me time you know I'm gonna be that. Don't be scared to go and put your trust in me."_

"_Can't you see? All I really wanna be is your boyfriend. Can't fight that._" James began harmonizing."_Knock me down you know I'm coming right back. I don't care at all what you've done before, all I really want is to be your…_"

They continued singing, their voices carrying each other through the song with perfect pitch. By the end, James realized how tired he was and that his jeans were still on and that Kendall had fell asleep while pressed against his chest. The bed was too small for them both, it smelled like sex in the room, Carlos would eventually wake up and find them, and their positions made it all the more uncomfortable. James never slept more peacefully in his life.

* * *

><p>I could blame college and being busy for the lack of an update but that wouldn't be fair. I just felt really uninspired and this chapter sat halfway done for the longest time until Bry got me to finish it. It was really hard to put Kames into words for me because I wanted to get it right and I think I finally did. I promise I wont leave you all hanging like this again. So review if you like, yell at me for being really late, I'll take it all with open arms.<p>

**I've fallen asleep with my head**

**Pressed against all of your flaws**

**And all I ask of you, all I ask of you**

**Is to open up a little bit more.**


End file.
